How To Avoid the “Affair Disease”

Continuing the trend of celebrities caught with their pants down – literally and figuratively – is Jesse James, estranged husband to Sandra Bullock.

Psychologically, celebrities and politicians are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel, as I explain in “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.”

Of course, I’m not suggesting that this can excuse their actions – rather it’s a reason why news of politicians and celebrities engaging in affairs is, sadly, relatively common. This type of behavior is becoming an epidemic and is a disease similar to alcoholism – and it’s time to stop it.

We need to stop glamorizing it, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Politicians have a high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection.

This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress (and let’s face it, nowadays who ISN’T under a lot of stress!?) are looking for a release from this constant pressure.

An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we’re craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself.

What can we learn from Sanford, Edwards, Woods, James (and others like him)?

1). The behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive.

For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alcohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the beginning of the cycle all over again.

2).  It’s a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” instead.

Many cheating partners use an affair to self medicate a deeper problem within the marriage.

3). Learn what your subconscious is telling you before it’s too late.

Affairs are a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. Don’t make the mistake of acting and not talking – it’s impossible to take back such a decision.

4.) Statistics tell the story

50% of first marriages end in divorce, 66% of 2nd marriages, and 70% of third marriages end in divorce.  My book, out in paperback now, Make Up Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, has new chapters and advice for how to heal, communicate effectively and stay together, offering couples real hands on techniques for overcoming adversity.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is internationally acclaimed and one of America’s best-known relationship experts; named by New York Magazine as one of the city’s top therapists. Join her for a Sex, Money and Infidelity teleconference, June 30th at 4 pm with fellow relationship expert and author Tammy Nelson.  You can also sign up for her Newsletter here. Dr. Bonnie has appeared on the The Today show, CBS Saturday Early Show, Oprah!, A Current Affair, The View, Sally, Ricki Lake, Montel, Maury Povich, and Extra. Her work has also been featured in Good Housekeeping, The New York Times, New York Daily News, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal and many others.

Additional Reading: How To Survive An Affair