Tomorrow is Christmas once again. Most people will be spending it with their parents, or spouses, or children. I, like a minority of people in America, will be spending it by myself. And though it is Christmas, I won’t be spending it quite like most people. While others are opening their presents, eating Christmas dinner, and other family traditions, I’ll be reflecting on Christmases past. I’ll remember how good I had it and the love that surrounded me. But I’ll also be giving thanks for how good I have it now too. Though some circumstances have changed, I’m still very blessed, and it’s important to acknowledge that. I am very grateful for my life. I hope you are too. I know there are good things coming too. All things in their time.
So in this season of hope, love, and happiness, I hope you have plenty of all of these.
Why is it that you have to push, and push just to get your spouse to admit something, but they continue to lie to your face?
…that is until you have proof. The quick answer may be that your spouse may not know HOW to rebuild the honesty.
If so, you are not a lone. Like the woman who commented, trust and honesty are BIG problems. In fact it’s one of the single biggest problems couples face after an affair.
People honestly believe they know how to have open honest relationships. But honesty without this key ingredient (more on this in a second) is useless.
What I find most of the time is that VERY FEW people know how to rebuild honesty. That means people on both sides.
Many desperate people push and push their spouse to be open, but what they are doing is pushing them away by doing and saying the wrong things. For example, you may want to know why your spouse came home 35 minutes late, but your spouse may actually be afraid to give you those details. Why?
…because of the emotional outcome. Think about that for a second. They may be afraid of making matters worse. Even if they were stuck in traffic, they don’t understand how to communicate the truth. My colleague Dr. Gunzburg has been helping couples for 35 years and three years ago we asked him to outline a specific program that teaches couples how to trust each other again.
Our requirements were simple. Teach a couple who doesn’t feel connected, in love and at odds and show them how to start over with a fresh clean slate. Dr. Gunzburg knew exactly what to do.
Inside this new program, Dr. Gunzburg teaches you how to create a relationship where nothing is hidden and everything is exposed. Imagine pure honesty, and love surrounded by a protective fence where no adulterous woman (or man) can get in. This is possible and he can teach you, BUT…
…before you become too excited, let me warn you. You may not get exactly what you want. At least right away. This approach will most likely be completely different than what you think you know. However the success ratio for his clients has been very high.
You don’t even need to have a willing spouse (at first).
For example, he doesn’t preach forgiveness, he teaches something else… which completely takes the pressure off you and your spouse.
In addition you’ll avoid saying “I’m sorry.” Those two words, especially after an affair usually do more harm than good. Instead he’ll coach you to do something else…
In Dr. Gunzburg’s 35 years he’s discovered 5 major factors that go into rebuilding honesty. Not building, I said REBUILDING. There is a big difference. Let me explain.
Last year about this time a couple I knew lost their house to a fire. Almost 75% of the house was destroyed. After they tore down the structure, they thought about rebuilding on the foundation. After speaking to several engineers they were quickly advised to tear the foundation up. Why?
Water inside the pipes of their walls and their radiant floors froze after the fire and the structural integrity was compromised.
That is why they rebuilt their house… from foundation to roof. And that is why you need to learn the strategy for rebuilding the honesty (especially after an affair.)
Recently we released a brand a program designed to help Rebuild the Honesty and teach you this special principle I’ve been talking about.
The principle that allows you to rebuild from the ground up.
This Program is for Couples
Who Need to Eliminate the Lies
This will be your manual if you really need help in this area. Dr. Gunzburg’s program will show you both how to develop true honesty by doing this one special thing. His new program isn’t fancy. In fact it’s something you can download right away. However it’s different and there are 3 very special parts to the program.
In fact it is a audio interview where he actually talks directly to you and gives you advice you can use right now. The interview is 1 hour and 35 minutes. You will learn specifically what to do and say. You will learn very specific techniques for talking to your spouse. This program is designed to teach the injured and the cheating spouse what to do.
In addition there is a 58 page program that outlines each of the principles with very clear instructions.
This isn’t theory, these are clear instructions. All you have to do is follow them and they will work.
If your relationship feels like you cannot trust each other, than please invest in this program right now. It is very affordable at $39. Here’s is just a sample of what you will receive.
- How to diagnose which area of trust is leaking (and how to seal it).
- This communication strategy will erase all suspicion and help your injured spouse feel safe again .
- How to convince your spouse the affair is over.
- The correct way to listen and help your spouse feel understood.
- 5 ways to build a transparent relationship. (Practicing this with your spouse will help you develop open and free communication.)
- How to motivate your partner to share everything with you without making them feel like they are attached at the hip.
- How to get your spouse to openly express their thoughts and feelings with you. (This strategy will help you reinforce the good things in your relationship and eliminate problems as they arise – eliminating any new resentment.)
- How to get a clean slate and start all over again. (This process isn’t easy, but it has proven effective for rebuilding trust and keeping the relationship healthy and strong for years.)
- 3 questions you need to answer when you’ve have an affair. (These are the top 3 three questions your partner wants to know in order to start over.)
- How to keep the lines of communication free and open without shutting each other out. (There are 11 things that will instantly kill your chances at redeveloping a deep emotional connection. How many of these mistakes are you making?)
- How to move on in your relationship and reduce the probability that another affair will happen again. (I will show you how to agree on new boundaries that will help you both feel safe and secure without feeling trapped, imprisoned or micro managed.)
- How to build a fence around your relationship and keep danger out. (When trouble comes knocking, you will both know how the kick it out.)
Use this link to access the order page. Once you order you can immediately download the program, workbook and the mp3 interview so you can burn a CD or put it on your ipod.
Remember, everything you do right now in your relationship is either helpful or harmful. You can choose to make things better or worse.
Use this link now to get started. We offer this program with a full 3-month guarantee. Use it… if you don’t results soon, we’ll issue you a refund.
How to Rebuild the Honesty will give you specific step-by-step strategies you need to save your relationship and start over with a clean slate.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage!
3 Necessary Ingredients for Falling in Love Again
After an affair, when your marriage has been through a meltdown, you may wonder how to pick up, move forward—and feel love for your spouse once again.
Maybe you’ve done the work necessary to save and rebuild your marriage: worked through negative thoughts and images, and gotten off the emotional rollercoaster to something resembling solid ground. Many couples want to know: how do I fall in love with my spouse again?
In this blog, I’ll give you three key ingredients that need to be in place in order to be successful at finding love once more with your spouse.
Moving toward Love
But if you have been working together to save your marriage, it’s safe to say that underneath the pain and suffering wrought by the affair’s revelation, there is more than likely some remaining feelings of love. Love is a strong emotion and bond, and even an affair isn’t always powerful enough to break it.
Marriages have to weather many storms—and an affair ranks up there with death of loved ones in terms of intensity of storm-weathering. In fact, it’s possible that there are other points within the marriage where one or both partners may feel as if they’ve fallen out of love, without an affair being the cause.
If you and/or your spouse truly want to be in love again, it is possible. It’s also possible to build a stronger marriage than you ever had before.
After your spouse cheats, you may think this is the last thing that could ever happen. But there are many marriages that, after experiencing a complete rupture of the relationship, are able to mend it into something with a more solid foundation.
Often, those weak areas that were never addressed as foundational rules early in the relationship are now woven into the relationship, binding the partners together better than ever before.
To get to the point of falling in love again, let’s look at the ingredients that need to be in place in your relationship.
Necessary Relationship Ingredients for Falling in Love Again
Falling in love again will take time, as well as commitment and resolve in working to save your marriage. After an affair, you know that things must change in your relationship. Those changes take time and practice.
Three of the ingredients that are part of these relationship improvements include:
Ingredient #1: Transparency
After an affair, a sense of trust in your spouse (or your spouse’s trust in you) has been ruptured. Clandestine activities took place, and there is no reason for the victim of an affair to assume that just because a cheater says so—clandestine activities aren’t still happening or will happen again.
By developing a code of transparency, where you share what you’re doing and who you are seeing with your spouse, feelings of trust can be rebuilt. This type of sharing is a habit that must be formed to help the trust rupture heal, enabling a feeling of safety within the relationship to be experienced once more.
Ingredient #2: Conflict Resolution
The way you and your spouse have traditionally resolved conflicts may need an overhaul. If every disagreement dissolved into screaming fits and/or silent treatments—then it’s time to look at more meaningful ways to respectfully handle differences.
You won’t always agree 100% with your spouse. You are both individuals. But, creating an atmosphere of caring and understanding can help rebuild your marriage bonds. It’s hard to feel a sense of love if one or both spouses feel they aren’t respected, their opinion isn’t appreciated, and they aren’t understood.
Conflict resolution is another habit that must be formed, with clear parameters to help you handle conflicts in a collaborative way.
Ingredient #3: Communication
Many couples feel that the root of their problems is their inability to effectively communicate with one another. That can mean you don’t know how to tell your spouse what you need, or your spouse feels you don’t listen to him or her. Or, maybe your spouse asks questions that only provide an opportunity for you to respond with a “yes” or “no,” so no true conversation takes place.
To fall in love again, you need to be able to communicate effectively with your spouse—and that means identifying where communication is coming up short between you. Good communication is a skill, and practicing the art of conversation is another habit to form, bringing you closer to your spouse.
My best wishes for you as you move forward in your marriage and find love once again with your spouse.
Are you ready to fall in love with your spouse again?
What are the roadblocks to falling in love with him or her?
Are the three relationship ingredients within this blog present in your marriage right now?
What type of work do you think you both will need to do before you’re able to say “I love my spouse again?”
Please share your thoughts and experiences regarding falling in love again with your spouse by leaving a comment below.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
We live in a world of opposites that we often experience as conflict. But fortunately everything eventually balances with its opposite – absolutely everything! The nature of duality implies an underlying unity. So whenever one side of duality is isolated, expressed or identified, the opposite is always a potential and immediately sought. One side of any duality cannot exist by itself, except through repression of its opposite. Or said another way, one side does not exist by itself and cannot be isolated except in a hypothetical sense. What holds a duality together to create a unity is tension.
Tension is the bond of opposites. It is because of tension that growth takes place and evolution is possible. There are always forces operating against each other, and it is this which makes life interesting, exciting, challenging, frustrating and fulfilling. All healthy and growing relationships embody this tension. Two people who are very similar might have a pleasant relationship but they are unlikely to be catalysts for each others growth.
When a person does something contrary to one’s nature or inherent goodness, there is an impulse to balance it with something natural and good. This is conscience, we say. But conscience is the voice of balance within the psyche. So, too, when a person does or expresses something in a positive or good way, there is an impulse toward the negative or dark side. Many people, because of their superficiality or ignorance, act on this impulse, manifesting it outwardly through negative behavior. The result of the negative behavior, which was considered acceptable because of rationalization when done, often leads to guilt or some self-recrimination, which then might lead to some positive choice or another negative act, depending on the consciousness of the individual.
The negative impulse, following positive expressions, has the purpose of making us aware of some inner negative within our subconscious that is wanting to surface in order to be resolved. Through this kind of awareness, there grows the ability to express increasingly the light, love and power that naturally exists within each of us. Through awareness we become empowered and we eventually realize that we have choice in every situation, that we can choose to respond or to react.
It is interesting to observe the principle that all energy follows the path of least resistance. Another principle of life is that tension always seeks resolution. Putting the two principles together we can say that tension always seeks resolution through the path of least resistance. Examples of this might be that ignorance seeks awareness through the experience of not knowing what is needed or desired in any given situation; fear seeks courage through the experience of feeling inadequate; fear seeks love through the experience of being separate or isolated.
Whenever we want to create something, make some changes or expand consciousness in some way, we need to create the appropriate tension that will bring the results (resolution) that we are looking for. The question we ask must be the right question related to our goal or direction. This means we must choose our words carefully.
The greatest tension for expanding consciousness and ‘creating soul’ is the tension of opposites between personality and soul, such as the simultaneous presence of fear (personality) and courage (soul). The fear prompts one to fight or flight, while the courage prompts one to stand up to what needs to be faced. These opposite urges naturally and strongly seek resolution so action can take place. Tension would cease if either of the opposites was repressed or avoided. Both must remain equally present in order for a transformation to occur.
A similar tension that is experienced quite often is the basic fear-love opposition. The soul’s nature is love which constantly seeks union, cooperation, and support with the other. The personality’s tendency, rooted in a sense of separateness and fear, seeks security, individuality, control and independence. While the personality dominates there is no tension. When the personality is passive or not active and soul seeks to inspire or express, there is also no tension. There needs to be active participation on both parts, soul and personality, to create tension.
When there is wounding, crisis or even inspiration, the soul often becomes active and creates a tension with the personality. This tension seeks resolution, which is not a suppression of either side of the tension, but a union of the two to create something greater. This results in a deeply authentic expression of one’s true nature.
If we want to keep a creative process moving along, we need to ask the questions and be open to the answers that do not stop the process. Every resolution must give rise to a new tension to keep a process moving. If you ask: “How should I do this?” and you answer: “I don’t know,” you have a resolution that does not create further tension. The process then stops. One answer that would create further tension might be, “I could be more open to …” You do not have to give a final or definitive answer to questions, but an answer that is honest or plausible, but which can give rise to another question.
This same process must be applied when seeking to become more authentic. Ask questions related to authenticity, and give answers that create new tensions to keep the process going further and further into the center of one’s being – to the transpersonal levels of life.
The most basic question to ask often regarding one’s authentic nature is: who am I? Obviously there is no definitive answer. But whenever we ask ourselves this question we must give ourselves an answer which can be questioned further. For every answer ask another question that takes you deeper into understanding and connection with your true self.
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Have you ever wondered what it takes to find the love of your life?
Is it your dream to find a life partner who will love, cherish and adore you?
Thirteen years ago, my good friend Arielle Ford manifested the love of her life and became a first-time bride at age 44. In her bestselling book, The Soulmate Secret: Manifest the Love of your Life with the Law of Attraction, she reveals the exact prayers, rituals, processes and projects she used to manifest her soulmate.
If you desire to manifest TRUE LOVE, this guide is for YOU.
In The Soulmate Secret Arielle provides step-by-step instruction that shows you how to take control of your romantic destiny by using the Law of Attraction. She knows, from personal experience, that finding true love is possible for anyone (at any age) if you’re willing to prepare yourself to become a magnet for love.
“I reveal the exact techniques I used to bring my soulmate into my life at age forty-four. And yes, they’ll work for you, at any age.”
Arielle and her soulmate, Brian, have been happily married for over twelve years. In The Soulmate Secret she shares powerful techniques to prepare your mind, body, spirit and home for the soulmate your heart truly desires.
This ancient formula reveals that our Universe is set up to deliver the people and things into our lives that are consistent with our personal belief system.
Think you’ve already “tried” everything? YOU’RE WRONG! Chances are, you have left out some of the MOST important ingredients, like:
* Daily “feelingizations”
* Feathering the nest
* Living as if
* Savoring the waiting
WHAT ARE “FEELINGIZATIONS?”
THE SOULMATE SECRET includes Arielle’s original “feelingizations,” a series of unique processes that are the “missing link” to the manifestation process. These gentle, guided meditations allow you to re-experience feelings of love and appreciation in order to begin powerfully manifesting NEW LOVE.
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“Arielle Ford, in inspiring and encouraging terms, offers from her direct experience how to prepare in consciousness, heart and spirit to magnetize, recognize and respond to the soul’s call for an authentic, conscious love relationship.”
- Michael Bernard Beckwith, author of Spiritual Liberation
Donating to the needy might not be at the top of everyone’s shopping list, but that’s why physical reminders of the importance of giving are needed. Caught up in the commotion of our own lives, we can all use help overcoming the distractions and indifference that prevents us from helping to alleviate suffering in our communities.
For many of us, it’s a Thanksgiving tradition to drop a few coins in the Salvation Army’s red kettle outside our local grocery. It’s quick, easy, and has real impact – last year, more than $139 million was raised by red kettles to provide services ranging from hot meals to warm beds for homeless and impoverished Americans.
This year the need is greater than ever, with more than 44 million Americans on food stamps.
While you’re out doing your grocery shopping today or tomorrow, be on the lookout for stressed-out impoverished moms who don’t have enough money to buy good food, and slip them a five, a ten, or a twenty. It is not going to make a difference in your life-style. And when you see those worn-looking children in the cart, or hanging on the moms, be sure to compliment the mom on what a good job she is doing, managing her child in a crowded store in these times when money is so tight.
It’s difficult to give people money sometimes without them acting a little insulted. Here’s how we do it: We put money in five or ten envelopes, inside a little card. On the outside, we write, “To a good mom.” On the inside, we write “Here’s your bonus for being a good parent. Maybe you can buy something extra healthy for your child and you to eat. Happy Thanksgiving from Someone who cares..”
Then I say “Congratulations,” and slip away.
Pledge to do your part to fight hunger in your own community this holiday season. In giving thanks this week for what we have, let’s not forget to also extend a hand to those in need.
BE the change in your world.
“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something.” Helen Keller
Relationships do not really end – they only become redefined. And no matter what experiences we have, they all afford us opportunities for growth and great Self-realization.
“Who among us hasn’t been devastated by the loss of a relationship – whether through separation, divorce, or death? Most of the time, we can’t see beyond the present moment and mistakenly believe that life could never be as good without that other person in our daily lives. By the end of the journey through Lissa Coffey’s book, Closure, we come to realize that we will be better for having loved, and life will be even sweeter when we start to live it again!”
Through the myriad forms of relationships we experience over the course of a lifetime, we have the opportunity to learn about ourselves-to see how each relationship, no matter how challenging or difficult or joyful, causes us to change, to grow, and even to discover unknown inner strengths. In Closure and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings, lifestyle and relationship expert Lissa Coffey show us how the Law of Relationship works to our benefit to help us improve our lives.
The universe teaches us that relationships don’t end,” Coffey says. “We remain connected to the people in our lives through our memories and shared experiences. Coming to terms with the changes in our relationships is what will bring us closure.” With real-life examples, Transformation Applications, and Wisdom Affirmations throughout, Coffey has created a practical, spiritual guide that offers a five-step process to help us achieve a sought-for peace of mind and greater Self-realization.
Psychologically, celebrities and politicians are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel, as I explain in “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.”
Of course, I’m not suggesting that this can excuse their actions – rather it’s a reason why news of politicians and celebrities engaging in affairs is, sadly, relatively common. This type of behavior is becoming an epidemic and is a disease similar to alcoholism – and it’s time to stop it.
We need to stop glamorizing it, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Politicians have a high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection.
This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress (and let’s face it, nowadays who ISN’T under a lot of stress!?) are looking for a release from this constant pressure.
An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we’re craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself.
What can we learn from Sanford, Edwards, Woods, James (and others like him)?
1). The behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive.
For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alcohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the beginning of the cycle all over again.
2). It’s a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” instead.
Many cheating partners use an affair to self medicate a deeper problem within the marriage.
3). Learn what your subconscious is telling you before it’s too late.
Affairs are a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. Don’t make the mistake of acting and not talking – it’s impossible to take back such a decision.
4.) Statistics tell the story
50% of first marriages end in divorce, 66% of 2nd marriages, and 70% of third marriages end in divorce. My book, out in paperback now, Make Up Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, has new chapters and advice for how to heal, communicate effectively and stay together, offering couples real hands on techniques for overcoming adversity.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is internationally acclaimed and one of America’s best-known relationship experts; named by New York Magazine as one of the city’s top therapists. Join her for a Sex, Money and Infidelity teleconference, June 30th at 4 pm with fellow relationship expert and author Tammy Nelson. You can also sign up for her Newsletter here. Dr. Bonnie has appeared on the The Today show, CBS Saturday Early Show, Oprah!, A Current Affair, The View, Sally, Ricki Lake, Montel, Maury Povich, and Extra. Her work has also been featured in Good Housekeeping, The New York Times, New York Daily News, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal and many others.
Additional Reading: How To Survive An Affair
Throughout the year, there are plenty of holidays you might like to celebrate more than once. Kids would probably like a couple extra days of Christmas presents and Halloween candy…two Valentine’s Days for your wife…and I would give plenty of thanks for an extra day of pie, turkey, stuffing and…well, more pie. But more than any of those, the one day I say deserves as much repeating, reverence and recognition as it can get is today—Memorial Day.
Unlike most holidays, the sentiment behind Memorial Day isn’t abstract—it’s as concrete and immediate as today’s headlines. Officially speaking, Memorial Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the last Monday of May. Formerly known as Decoration Day, it commemorates U.S. men and women who died while in the military service. Now, you don’t need a history lesson to understand the sacrifice made by those who wear an American flag on their arm and put themselves in harm’s way—just watch tonight’s news.
We didn’t start celebrating Memorial Day until after the Civil War, but it was during that conflict, November of 1863, that President Abraham Lincoln gave his historic Gettysburg Address and eloquently laid out the simple yet profound idea that lies at the heart of this day:
It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us – that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion – that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain – that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom – and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
“The last full measure of devotion”—a beautiful phrase describing a tragic consequence. And while the fight has moved from within our own country to conflicts overseas, the giving of your life in service to your country remains a uniquely sacred act. American soldiers are fighting and dying in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the sad reality is those are not the last two wars that will ever need fighting. On this Memorial Day and all the days before and after it, we must remember those in our military who bravely served and never made it home.
Just as we aren’t just Christians on Christmas or patriots on the 4th of July, we owe more to the fallen than just remembering them on Memorial Day. Let today mark the beginning of your year-round remembrance, and never forget that the price of living free to celebrate this day with your family was paid by those who wore a uniform, carried a gun, and gave “the last full measure of their devotion.”
God bless you, your family, and the United States of America.