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How to Break Up Gracefully
Learn how to break up gracefully, or handle a break up gently.
Breaking up is never fun for either party, but you've got the easier job. Anyone who says it's more painful to leave than to be left is either in denial or a blatant liar. They deserve your kindness and compassion. Breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes there's no option. Learn the art of dumping with dignity.
Find the kindest way to break up. Learn how to break up gracefully, gently and compassionately and how to end a relationship... with your head held high.
Get help with a break up and coming to terms with the end of a relationship. We offer resources, info and tips below on how to break up gently with someone, breaking up gently but firmly and what to do with yourself once a relationship has ended.
Holding onto stuff you'd like to be free of? A very good indicator of wisdom, positive attitude as well as sound mental health is found in our capacity to let go.
Life is a series of choices of how to behave. Often we make these choices automatically, without really being aware of what we are choosing or why. No matter who left who, if you loved him or her, you're hurting. There's no point in denying it and no future in wallowing in it.
Tips On How To Break Up Gently With Someone
When breaking up gracefully and gently is the ONLY thing to do
Tips on how to break up gently ...
We all know how painful break-ups can be, so when it's us doing the dumping we often try to minimize the pain with gentle hints and little white lies. But quite often our well-intentioned attempts to soften the blow only result in confusion, humiliation, and even greater pain to the dumpee.
Breaking up is rarely easy. You both had feelings for each other at one point, and maybe you still do. The key is to do it maturely, without deliberate pain, so that you can both move on with your lives and find someone better suited for you. A relationship really needs two fully committed people, so if one of you doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, it's best for BOTH of you to end it. That's the key message to get across.
Don't get into lots of blame-finding. There is always fault on both sides in a relationship that fails. Make sure you sit down face to face somewhere quiet. Never break up over the phone or via email, that's completely unfair. A relationship is based on trust and dependability - don't prove you're unworthy of that in the final hour. Sit down and explain it's not going to work. If your partner has questions, answer them as fairly as you can, but without going into lots of back-stabbing.
Breaking up isn't about finding fault. It's about you both being able to find "closure" to this relationship so you are able to then move on to a new one. It's really in both of your best interests to end this cleanly. If you don't, it will come back to haunt you in many ways.
If you can both accept that this was simply not meant to be, and that somewhere out there a new person awaits which IS perfect for each of you, you might even be able to stay friends. Or if not, you can look back on your time together as an enjoyable experiment which just didn't work out the way you'd originally hoped.
The Art of Breaking up gracefully - How to break up gently after a long term relationship
ending a relationship gracefully
These time-tested break up guidelines will help you through the messy business of ending a relationship.
1. Make up your mind about breaking up.
So many women announce the split and do the exhaustive post-mortem with their friends, only to confess to reconciliation several days later. By this time we've all heard about the 'partner's' horrible habits and weird relationship with mother and other intimate, personal details we'd really rather not have to know about at all.
In some cases this sort of flip-flopping takes place repeatedly, for years on end. Spare your friends, at least: don't announce it's over until you're absolutely sure.
2. Don't be silent.
Sometimes people simply stop returning phone calls, figuring that this signals their lack of interest. One might think your phone has broken, although this is highly unlikely and he will assume you're not interested. However it is a timid thing to avoid the phone. You should be able to speak to someone you dated and even went to bed with.
Ignoring the incessant ring of the phone can also be more nerve-wracking and bothersome than just answering it and explaining to him that it's over. And, ultimately, it is just plain bad manners to blank another person.
Keep the conversation simple, and don't bog down in details. But help your partner see that you *both* deserve people with whom you truly match up. Your partner deserves someone that can see his/her special aspects and truly appreciate them. If this is not you right now, then you would not be fair to your partner to keep the relationship going.
3. Don't Use the Phone to break up
Never leave a break-up phone message! That is a cop-out that saves you the "hassle" of dealing with another person's feelings. If you are afraid of how your soon-to-be-ex will handle the news, bring along a friend, but go in person. Your ex deserves it, and dealing with negative situations is a life skill that you will need yourself as you go through life.
4. Be clear.
Some people favor vague lines such as 'I need some space,' and 'I need to be alone for a bit' when finishing a relationship. You might think that drawing out the end over time is a gentle way of letting someone down. Instead, you'll be creating a more unpleasant and painful end. Don't give them hope. Be blunt. It's kinder.
5. Do your own dirty work.
Don't try to force someone to break up with you by becoming bitchy and unreasonable. Many men and women unhappy in their relationships start inventing absurd jealousies and complaints in an effort to push their boyfriend away. You may think this tactic lets you off the hook. In fact, it's cowardly. It draws out the inevitable, and creates bad vibes between you. Take responsibility for your dissatisfaction.
6. Stage the break-up carefully.
A breakup is usually not a pleasant affair. Don't have the "goodbye" talk in the middle of a restaurant, or at a friend's house. Find a quiet place where you both feel relatively comfortable, and spend time to talk about it. Don't just say "I've decided I don't like you any more - goodbye" and run out the door.
As far as location goes, restaurants and other public places are tricky because there's a slim chance there will be shouting or, worse, crying - both of which will be highly embarrassing. If you do choose a restaurant it should be one that's in a central location. Also, make sure to look your worst. Wear unflattering clothes, a bit of that sickly sweet cologne or perfume he/she hates, and top it all off with a touch of green face powder.
Spend some time finding closure - admitting that you just don't care for the other person, and that it's best for you both to move on and find someone that can truly compliment you. After all, your ex won't want to be with someone who doesn't love him or her, so this is a good thing for you both.
It won't be easy, and will probably be sad and anger-filled for you both. However, having this good closure will make the healing process much, much easier.
7. Cry if You feel like it.
If you're sob-prone, write it out. Never email or snail-mail a break up letter, but if you know you'll break down and be unable to talk, one option is to write out why you felt you had to break up, and bring the letter along. That way if you become unable to speak, you can still hand your partner the letter and sit while he or she reads it.
Be there to talk about it (as best you can) and to answer questions, but this might help get you through the main part. As you tell them that, wonderful as they are it simply isn't working, no need to hold back tears. Just now their ego needs all the help it can get.
8. Offer a reason for the break-up
Here are three don'ts:
Don't make him feel he did something wrong that turned you off.
Don't make him feel that there is something wrong with his physical or emotional makeup that renders him unlovable.
Don't give him false hope that you'll change your mind.
You need not give the dumpee the real reason for the breakup - the mediocre sex; his whistling nose; his idiot friends - but you do need to offer a reason that's plausible. If all else fails, tell them that it's clear they're not happy, and they deserves to be with someone who can make them happy. This will confuse them, since they might well have been happy until you became dissatisfied. But it's the sort of thing they can repeat to themselves when it's over: I wasn't happy. And that will help him to justify the break-up.
9. If you do lie, lie well.
Do treat them with respect and answer his questions as honestly -- but diplomatically -- as possible. That way they can get closure. This hurts me more than it hurts you,' is disingenuous, because it never does. 'It's not you, it's me,' is far more credible, especially when followed by either of two statements: 'I want to get married, give up my job, and have a dozen babies' (if they are a free spirit), or 'I don't feel like I've slept with enough people in my life to settle down with one.' (if they're traditional). No need to initiate a break-up then - they'll head for the hills.
10. Avoid break-up sex.
That one last night of passion, 'for old time's sake,' might seem pretty tempting, but don't give in: it will only confuse him. The next morning, whilst you're retrieving your cosmetics from his bathroom cabinet, he'll assume you've changed your mind and are off preparing breakfast. Trust me, it's messy.
11. The break-up guilt even after breaking up gently
Breaking up with someone is always painful. Hopefully you have been talking up until now and realize that something is not right in the relationship. If you have never given your partner a clue that you are unhappy, this should sound warning bells. The exact same thing could happen in the next relationship. Be sure to talk about things that make you unhappy BEFORE you get to the break-up stage.
However, let's assume you've talked about things, but they just won't fix, and you just aren't meant for each other. You will still feel guilty if you're the one who throws in the towel and says the relationship won't work. After all, you've both opened your hearts to each other, tried to make things work, tried to be there for each other, and now you're saying you don't want to try any more.
Realize that most relationships end in breakup - it takes a few tries before you manage to find the right partner. This is a normal thing. You gave it your best shot, and you simply weren't meant for each other. If you are honest and thoughtful in your breakup, then you have done both of you a favor. You are now free to find someone better suited for you, and your partner is now free to find someone new that is a perfect match.
Taking Responsibility for Breaking up Gracefully
If you follow the above points you may manage to achieve that rarity: a civilized break-up. You and your ex might even move into a pleasant post-relationship friendship. But if, despite your best efforts, the crockery begins to fly...duck.
In the end, as much as it might be hard for your partner to accept this, if you don't want to be with your partner, it's best for you both to break up. Even if your partner really wants to stay with you, if you do not love your partner any more, the relationship cannot work. Both partners need to be fully committed to a relationship for it to succeed. If you no longer feel that way, no amount of effort on your partner's part can fix that.
Spiritual Counseling is an ideal tool to use to navigate through transitions. It's benefits include having a guide to remind us of what is so, keep us motivated, keep our eye on what's on the other side, and to remind us that we're growing through the transition. Someone who celebrates your evolution.
Considering the consequences of not "letting go" makes us realize the importance and inevitability of this process, if a relationship is to progress beyond a fruitless clinging on to yesterday.
Lilly is an experienced professional who has specialized in helping people with loss, heartbreak, and abandonment for more than two decades.
Books About How To Break Up Gracefully & Gently - Letting Go and Moving On After A Relationship
- I Need Your Love - Is That True? : How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead - Katie helps you question everything you have been taught to do to gain love and approval. In doing this, you discover how to find genuine love and connection. This book helps you illuminate every area in your life where you seem to lack what you long for most—the love of your partner, the respect of your child, a lover’s tenderness, or the esteem of your boss. Through its penetrating inquiry, you will quickly discover the falseness of the accepted ways of seeking love and approval, and also of the mythology that equates love with need. Using the method in this book, you will inquire into painful beliefs that you’ve based your whole life on—and be delighted to see them evaporate. Katie shows you how to move on, unraveling the knots in the search for love, approval, and appreciation brings real love and puts you in charge of your own happiness.
- Closure and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings - "The universe teaches us that relationships don't end," Coffey says. "We remain connected to the people in our lives through our memories and shared experiences. Coming to terms with the changes in our relationships is what will bring us closure." With real-life examples, Transformation Applications, and Wisdom Affirmations throughout, Coffey has created a practical, spiritual guide that offers a five-step process to help us move on and achieve a sought-for peace of mind and greater Self-realization.
- Letting Go: A 12-Week Personal Action Program to Overcome a Broken Heart - Are you crying over sad songs? Seeing his or her face in every crowd? Aching with loneliness and hoping the phone will ring? Feeling that no one else can give your life meaning? Losing a loved one is the most devastating crisis of intimate living. It can jeopardize your health... even your life. You might think only passing time will ease your pain, but now you can begin to end the hurt today. Within three months you can erase painful memories, regain control of your feelings, and be free to love again. Discover how to: Short-circuit acute symptoms of grief and depression; Turn hurt into healthy anger; Fall out of love; Rebuild your self-esteem; Break the "sex hook" to your ex.
- Extreme Breakup Recovery | Maximum Healing in Minimum Time - This is the proven shortcut to moving on and recovering completely after any breakup. “Better than a $1,000 worth of therapy.” It shows you the quick way to transform and benefit from your breakup. Extreme Breakup Recovery will show you: How to recover from a breakup faster than you thought possible with step by step guidance through the FAST method. How to get over your ex once and for all, taking control of your life immediately. How to use this breakup to transform your life and relationships forever. Includes powerful exercises and worksheets for truly self-help amazing results.
- The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life - Susan Anderson's book clearly defines the five phases of grieving over a lost relationship. This book is designed to help all victims of emotional breakups whether they are suffering from a recent loss, or a lingering wound from the past; whether they are caught up in patterns that sabotage their own relationships, or they're in a relationship where they no longer feel loved.
- He's History, You're Not: Surviving Divorce After 40 - This is one of the few divorce books that addresses the fact that divorce has a different meaning at every age. Manfred is so candid about her own divorce as a woman of a certain age’ that readers are sure to feel they’ve found a wise friend to see them through the trauma of divorce and help them discover their post divorcÚ selves.