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Learn how to end an affair with someone you love, the steps you can take towards ending the affair, and how to forgive yourself after cheating ...
In a way, you have been behaving like a person addicted to a drug. When a person is addicted to drugs, the drug gives, or gave, the person wonderful feelings. (That’s why someone gets addicted in the first place.) Similarly, the affair gave you wonderful feelings at some point; that’s why you got involved with it in the first place.
Likewise, the prospects of giving up the affair are similar to those of giving up a drug. You’re going to feel all the feelings you were trying to avoid by engaging in the affair. When you are feeling down and out or when you are in emotional pain, the way of escape you became accustomed to won’t be there.
End your affair the right way NOW, so that you can focus on rebuilding the relationship with your spouse or partner
You must have faith that when you end the affair (just like when you stop using a drug) and you start working on yourself and your issues, at some future time you will be in better shape and feel better than you ever have. You might not be having that experience at this moment, but keep the faith, and you can get there. In drug programs, they call this long-term process “recovery,” and it has to be a life-long plan.
If you haven’t ended the affair, now is the time to do so. There
simply is no way that you can repair your relationship, your honesty,
your integrity, and your life if you are still engaged in an affair.
That is sometimes easier said than done. If you have been having an affair for some time, you could be quite attached to the person you have been seeing. If this is the case, you might not “want” to the end the affair for some “potentially” good relationship with someone you currently doubt can create a good relationship. This is similar to the way an addict doesn’t “want” to give up their drug of choice for some “potentially” better life that wasn’t there for them in the past. But if you truly want to rebuild your relationship, there is no other way but to completely and unwaveringly end all communication with your paramour.
To complicate the personal difficulties you face with ending the affair, you may be concerned about the way your lover is going to react. Or, perhaps, you have already told them and they are overwrought, so you have maintained a connection with them to help them overcome their distress.
Whatever the case may be, you must now forgo all contact with your former lover. You must cross that bridge and burn it behind you. The relationship must cease in all its forms. If this doesn’t happen, your partner will not trust you again any time soon, and may never trust you again.
How to End an Affair With Someone You Love
If you have not yet informed your lover that you are going to end the affair, then you might have to contact them one last time and tell them so. There are four possible ways you can approach this.
1. Simply do not contact them again at all.
2. Talk with them on the phone.
3. Send them a letter.
4. Send them an e-mail.
Below you will find a FREE step-by-step system for saving your relationship after it's been shattered by an affair.
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Do not meet with your lover in
person to end the relationship. This never turns out well. Often the
lover will try to convince you to continue the relationship or at least
have one last sexual encounter. (After all, if the affair wasn’t
fulfilling them on some level, they wouldn’t have been involved in it.)
In addition, there is no practical way to be honest about this kind of
meeting with your partner without arousing suspicion. Because ending
suspicion is such an important part of the healing process, a meeting
like this can serve no good.
Regardless of the way you choose to contact your lover, you should make this final contact in the presence of your partner. If you are going to have a telephone conversation, invite your partner to listen to it. If you choose to send an e-mail or write a letter, allow your partner to read this final correspondence and offer suggestions prior to sending it. The purpose of the final correspondence is primarily to begin to re-establish your trust with your partner. Therefore, you want it to meet your partner’s needs even though it will be hurtful to the paramour.
Whichever way you approach it, the tone of this final contact should be business-like, not friendly. For example, you should close your letter just with your name, not “love” or “fondly” or any other friendly or loving reference.
The message you are trying to get across should be permanent, not temporary. For example, you shouldn’t say, “I’m going to try to make our relationship work for now.” Instead, you should say, “I am recommitting to my partner. Do not contact me again for any reason.” Doing these things will show your partner in a tangible way that you are ending the relationship.
The Six Critical Rules for Ending an Affair
The following six rules are critical when you
are ending an affair.
1. Make it clear that this permanently and unconditionally marks the end of the relationship and that you will not be in contact with them after this. You need to make it clear that you will not respond to any attempts at further communication. You might need to repeat these necessities a number of times during your final contact with your paramour. I urge you to write down some of the potential responses that you will want to repeat so you can respond quickly and in a decisive manner by just reading them.
2. If your ex-lover has questions about why you want to repair
your relationship or how you are going to make it work, you don’t have
to answer. Indeed, you don’t have to answer any of the questions your
ex-lover may ask you.
Rather, you can repeat that the affair is over and that you want to make your relationship work. Stick to this line throughout the course of the conversation, repeating it as often as necessary.
3. You should inform your ex-lover that if you see them again (for example, if you had an affair with someone in your office), you will not respond in the way they are accustomed. You must let them know that you will not be friends with them. You can’t be friendly in the ways to which they were accustomed. In fact, you can’t even be friendly in ways that may come naturally for you with most people.
4. You have to be clear that if you do see your ex-lover in person again and they press you to respond to them in an intimate or comforting way or they draw you aside to talk with you out of the hearing of others, it is your responsibility to draw the line and let them know that this is not appropriate.
5. Remember, your tone should be business-like. There is no need to be cold if the situation doesn’t require it, but be cold if you need to be. Whatever you do, you must be firm. Make it clear to your ex-lover and to yourself that this affair is over and that any remaining connections you have to one another must end as well.
6. Close the conversation as quickly as possible; be rude if necessary.
In some extreme cases, the lover will continue to attempt to contact
you by various means. Sometimes they will call you at home or at work.
Sometimes they will try to contact you by e-mail or the post. Some
people try to send messages through friends to their ex-lover. If this
happens to you, you need to take immediate action.
If these attempted communications come in the form of phone messages, e-mails, or letters, show them to your partner, and don’t respond to them in any way. Some message systems allow you to delete messages without opening them or listening to them – I recommend this option if you and your partner agree to it.
f your ex-lover continues to attempt to contact you, even when you are ignoring them, block their number, change your number, or change your e-mail address. Do whatever is necessary to ensure that all communication comes to an end. Sometimes this even means quitting your job, changing your gym, or changing your schedule. This might sound extreme, but keep in mind that your relationship is at stake.
If you want it to work, you have to do what it takes. If your ex-lover’s friends attempt to get in contact with you, let them know that you have ended the relationship and will not be going back to it. Also inform them that you have no interest in knowing what your ex-lover is doing, where they are going, or with whom.
None of this will be easy. You will likely face quite a lot of emotional difficulty when you end the affair. Nonetheless, it is necessary to face this pain in order to restore your relationship.
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Read this FREE report and discover the 21 most-effective steps marriage counselors are using to give couples improved odds at ending the affair, rebuilding the honesty and wiping the slate clean to build a ‘better than ever marriage or relationship.
There is nothing quite like the pain and shock caused when a partner has
been unfaithful. The hurt partner often experiences a profound loss of
self-respect and falls into a depression that can last for years.
Cheating whilst in a relationship is probably the most hurtful thing one can do to their significant other. It ends up not only hurting the ego; it can make someone feel very insecure about themselves. Both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive
Assuming that the affair is definitely over and that both partners want to continue their relationship -- and that’s often a big "If" in these situations -- their first priority should be the restoration of trust. While the person who had the affair is held accountable for his or her behavior, relationship counseling provides a safe, confidential, and balanced environment in which everyone works together to explore and rebuild the relationship.
Discover how to survive an affair and save your marriage or relationship by ending the pain, healing the wounds and restoring the trust, even if you are the only one who wants to and before it's too late ... Having to face an affair in your relationship or marriage can be extremely confusing ... just getting from one day to the next can be an incredible chore.
And although there are certain attributes in relationships that may give someone the need to find sexual affection and gratification elsewhere, cheating usually results from a dissatisfaction of sorts. Right now, you are probably feeling as though someone has either punched you in the stomach or stabbed you in the back -- or even both.
At the end of the day, we all just want to be with someone who loves us -- someone who makes us happy, makes us feel needed, gives us the attention we deserve and someone who we can trust without having to think twice.
And that's not too much to ask for -- it's something we all deserve.
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Free Help & Advice about Infidelity, Affairs & Cheating
- Saving Your Marriage With Trust and Love - Saving Your Marriage is a step-by-step program designed to stop a break up or divorce and save relationships. This is an excellent alternative to relationship counseling because it helps the couple learn what's broken in their relationship and then shows them how to fix it.
- How To Survive The Affair - How to Survive an Affair helps a couple work through a 3-phase healing plan designed to rebuild the trust and honesty back into the marriage. Program workbook along with bonus programs.
- How To Forgive When You've been Betrayed - Learn how to forgive and work through the past. This workbook teaches couples to understand the true principles of forgiveness.
- How To Communicate With Emotionally Distant Men - Why do men get distant? Emotionally distant men don't communicate. Why do men hide their feelings? Learn about men who hide their feelings, why men get distant, how to communicate with emotionally distant men, and what to do when men become emotionally distant and hide there feelings. Free help communicating with an emotionally distant man..
- Why Men Withdraw And What To Do About It - Men who withdraw and why men withdraw. Learn why men withdraw in a relationship, how men withdraw themselves from a relationship, men who are afraid of love, and what to do about it when they close up.
- Why Men Leave Women - Reasons men leave women. Learn why men leave women when the honeymoon is over, and what to do about it. There are many reasons why men leave relationships or cannot settle down with the woman they're with. Learn what they are and how to stop him from leaving you..
- [book] How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful - While trying to cope with the pain of knowing that their partners have cheated, victims of infidelity have to wrestle with two big questions: whether to stay in the relationship and, if they do stay, how to best prevent experiencing this kind of hurt ever again. In this book, two relationship experts offer readers a new way of understanding the causes and types of infidelity and innovative new ways to "affair-proof" recovered or new relationships.
- [book] Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart - Whether you want to end the relationship or piece things back together, Getting Past the Affair guides you through the initial trauma so you can understand what happened and why before deciding how to move forward. Based on the only program that’s been tested--and proven--to relieve destructive emotions in the wake of infidelity, this compassionate book offers support and expert advice from a team of award-winning couple therapists.
- [book] My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me - This book makes a wonderful contribution to the growing willingness of couples to "break the code of silence" and share their experience with affairs in order to help others. It offers clear insight into the pain involved as well as great hope for the power to recover and rebuild the marriage. Peggy Vaughan, author of "The Monogamy Myth" and Host of www.dearpeggy.com
- [book] Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity - This is the most comprehensive book on affairs that I have ever read and the only one that completely reflects the reality of affairs. No matter how many other books you have read on this subject, read this one. It is absolutely wonderful!
- [book] After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful - For married or cohabiting couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner had had an affair, this tough-minded, insightful manual will be eminently practical. Clinical psychologist Spring, writing with her husband, draws on 20 years of experience treating distressed couples as she explains how both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive.
- [book] When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships - When Good People Have Affairs will be a lifeline to any man or woman who feels caught between two lovers, and its insights are indispensable to anyone else touched by an affair. A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of people caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair rocks their emotional lives.
- [book] Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-Proof Your Marriage - While trying to cope with the pain of knowing that their partners have cheated, victims of infidelity have to wrestle with two big questions: whether to stay in the relationship and, if they do stay, how to best prevent experiencing this kind of hurt ever again. In this book, two relationship experts offer readers a new way of understanding the causes and types of infidelity and innovative new ways to "affair-proof" recovered or new relationships.