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The Three Phases to Recovering from Infidelity, Affairs and Cheating

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One of the hardest things in life is watching someone you love, loving someone else. Don't let that happen to you. Wouldn't you like, not to ever worry about losing your man to another woman? Stopping infidelity only takes you educating yourself about what to do and how to go about doing it. Isn't your relationship worth the extra knowledge you will acquire from reading about solutions to infidelity? Rather than live in fear of the possibility that your spouse is committing adultery or remain paralyzed by a betrayal that has taken place, you can educate yourself on infidelity and empower yourself to prevent infidelity from happening. Learn how to prevent infidelity, affairs & cheating in your relationship, here.

The Three Phases to Recovering from Infidelity

by:  Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Many people never really consider the order of healing when they ask for help after an affair. However, without going through the proper steps you may find yourself doing the right things, but in the wrong order. Below are the 3-phases that I take a couple through when they decide they want to put back the pieces of their relationship after an affair.

Phase I: Individual Healing – Understanding Personal Healing and Sorting through Emotional Problems

Phase I is all about you. And when I say you, I mean whoever is reading the book. This phase (as well as most of the book) will focus primarily on the injured because they are the ones who have the most emotional turmoil to work through. However, there are specific sections in this phase for both the injured and the cheater. The cheater will probably benefit from reading the injured person’s sections and the injured person will probably benefit from reading the cheater’s section, although it is not necessary.

When people are affected by infidelity, their first instincts are to look for reasons that the affairs happened. They want to know the details of the affairs. They want to know why their loved ones did what they did. They want to know if they will ever be able to trust their partners again.
 

This is what I call “externalizing.” Externalizing means that people are looking outside of themselves for answers to emotional issues that are happening within them. When you first start working on your relationship after an affair, the first thing you need to do is look within yourself.
 

You need to stop trying to figure out the other person; you need to be honest about your own thoughts and feelings concerning the affair; and you need to shift your perspective from the outside to the inside, from the external to the internal.
 

Not only will Phase I help you take a good honest look at what is going on for you, it also will give you a lot of concrete strategies that will help you cope with and overcome your troubling thoughts and feelings.
 

Rest assured; we will get to the other things you are worried about. We will look outside as well. We will ask the hard questions. But first you need to look within. That’s what Phase I is all about.

Phase II: Healing As a Couple – Working Together to Identify and Resolve Key Issues

After you do some work on your own reactions to this difficult experience, you will start to look more closely at the way you and your partner function as a couple.

In this phase, I will give you a step-by-step program for effectively communicating with your partner. This is a critical component in your healing process. After infidelity, communication becomes incredibly strained. But if you don’t communicate, you can never heal and you can never build your relationship into something that is beautiful and rewarding. Communication is the key to every good relationship.
We will also examine the seven critical dimensions to a good relationship, and you will be asked to explore how you might be better fulfilled in each of these dimensions. Knowing this will set the stage for rebuilding your relationship into something that is even better than anything you could have hoped for.

It is also in this phase that we will look at whether it is important for you to discuss the details of the affair. You might be surprised to know that this step isn’t always critical, and unless it is approached properly, it can do more harm than good. But I will help you navigate those waters successfully.
 

Phase III: Negotiating a Renewed Relationship – Understanding How to Rebuild and Sustain a New, Trust-filled Partnership

Once you learn how to talk to one another again, it is time to actually start doing it. In this last phase of the book, I will teach you how to renegotiate your relationship

.This means carving out the time you need to spend with your partner, becoming totally transparent so they can fully trust you, and ultimately, writing a relationship contract that will ensure not only that the infidelity will never happen again but that your relationship will be better than ever.
As I mentioned earlier, this process will take time and some dedication. But isn’t saving your relationship worth that investment?

The Four Roadblocks to Healing After An Affair

Before we start exploring what is going on for you specifically, we need to look at four emotions most people face that can present a real detriment to your healing process if you get bound up in them. The problem with these roadblocks isn’t necessarily the emotions themselves. It’s the fact that getting caught in the emotions can keep you from taking the necessary steps toward healing yourself and your relationship. When any of these four emotions arise, it’s time to take a step back, look at them for what they are, and use the coping strategies I offer in order to get yourself back on the path toward a better-than-ever relationship.

Monster Emotion #1: Jealousy

This ugly green monster is real trouble. It is also perfectly natural, which is one of the things that makes it so hard to deal with and so hard to overcome.When you are faced with the reality that the person you love most in the world has been spending time and showing affection to another, you are bound to feel jealous: jealous over the affection not shown to you, jealous of the time they spent together, even jealous of the idea that the other person might be a better lover than you.If you see this green monster rear its ugly head, keep the following things in mind:

»        Do not act rashly on your jealous feelings. If you feel the desire to act on your jealousy, take a moment to step back and think about what you are planning to do. You know, even when you take a medication that is supposed to be good for you, there are potential side effects. So consider the potential side effects of your planned actions. If the probable benefit outweighs the possible side effects, it could be the right action to take. However, if you take a good, hard, honest look at what your jealousy is asking you to do and you see that the risks are high, perhaps you should refrain from acting at this time and look for an alternative way to handle your feelings.

»        Talk to someone about it. This is actually a piece of advice that you should act on any time you feel overwhelmed by your emotions. Take advantage of the resources you have. You probably have people around you who love you, want to help you, and will lend an ear. Talk to them rather than letting your feelings of jealousy consume you.

»        Keep this in mind if it is true for you: the cheater has chosen to stay with you, not the paramour. If you are trying to work things out with your partner, remember one important thing: they want to be with you. They have chosen you over the other person. Remembering this can really help when you feel yourself getting caught up in a fit of jealousy.

Monster Emotion #2: Uncertainty

The truth is that at this early stage you can’t be quite sure how things will work out. That much is true. But then, could you ever be truly certain?You are going to face uncertain times, but that doesn’t mean that you will never have a feeling of stability again. It can and will come back. Even the passage of time will help because time does heal many hurts and typically returns you to where things were. Remember all the things in your life that are certain. No matter who you are or what situation you are in, there are things in your life that are certain: the sun will rise tomorrow; you will have air to breath. And there are those things that are almost certain: you will eat another meal; you will sleep in a bed. Take out your workbook, and make a list of all the things in your life that are certain. When you feel uncertain, open it up and read the list. Meditate on it.

Monster Emotion #3: Shame

Many people feel deeply ashamed when they are injured by an affair. They might get attached to the idea that it happened because they weren’t a good enough partner or they worry that someone else will find out about the affair and they will be humiliated. When these two concerns are taken together, you might feel ashamed because you are worried that everyone will think you weren’t a good enough partner.If there is one thing I can’t reiterate enough it is that this is not your fault. The cheater is responsible for the affair. You didn’t choose to have this happen, and it isn’t your fault that it did. You probably handled some things imperfectly in your relationship, but everyone does – that does not give your partner the right to violate your trust.

Monster Emotion #4: Loss of Hope

In some ways this is the worst of the four roadblocks. If hopelessness really sets in, you can’t get anywhere.I can’t just keep saying it and hoping you will believe it, but I’ll try once again: there is always hope if you and your partner are mutually dedicated to rebuilding your relationship. It takes two people working together to make a successful relationship – it takes only one to tear it apart. You can have a wonderful, trusting, loving, needs-fulfilled relationship with your partner again. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t have written this book. If you had a loving, passion-filled relationship, you can get it back.

If you start feeling hopeless, just remember the purpose of this book: to give you a way to rebuild your life.

If you would like to know more about restoring the trust back into your relationship after an affair, please check out Dr. Frank Gunzburg's free 7-step course below.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years. He is also the author of How to Survive an Affair, a step-by-step healing system that can help a couple repair their relationship after it has been shattered from an affair.  If your relationship has been damaged by an affair and you would like a step-by-step system for repairing your relationship, then please visit Dr. Gunzburg's site for more information: http://www.surviveanaffair.com

Restoring Trust After The Affair Is Possible - A step-by-step system for saving your relationship after it's been shattered by an affair. Tormented by your unanswered questions? Devastated after having your complete self-worth sabotaged? Work through the healing and restoration of your relationship after an affair. Learn how to restore the honesty, safety and trust back into your relationship (even if your partner isn't yet willing).

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