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How to Recover From An Affair
Learn how to recover an affair, the steps you can take to recover after the affair, and how to forgive and rebuild your relationship ...
Many people never really consider the order of healing when they ask for help after an affair.
However, without going through the proper steps you may find yourself doing the right things, but in the wrong order.
Below are the 3-phases that I take a couple through when they decide they want to put back the pieces of their relationship after an affair.
Recovering Emotionally From An Affair: Help Healing & Recovering After An Affair
After the Affair: Heal Emotionally From Affair > Help Healing Emotional Scars & Recovering After The Affair, Cope with Infidelity
The Three Phases to Recovering From An Affair or Infidelity
Phase I: Individual Healing – Understanding Personal Healing From An Affair and Sorting through Emotional Problems
Phase I is all about you. And when I say you, I mean whoever is reading this. This phase will focus primarily on the injured because they are the ones who have the most emotional turmoil to work through. However, there are specific sections in this phase for both the injured and the cheater.
The cheater will probably benefit from reading the injured person’s
sections and the injured person will probably benefit from reading the
cheater’s section, although it is not necessary.
When people are affected by infidelity, their first instincts are to look for reasons that the affairs happened. They want to know the details of the affairs. They want to know why their loved ones did what they did. They want to know if they will ever be able to trust their partners again.
This is what I call “externalizing.” Externalizing means that people are looking outside of themselves for answers to emotional issues that are happening within them. When you first start working on your relationship after an affair, the first thing you need to do is look within yourself.
You need to stop trying to figure out the other person; you need to be honest about your own thoughts and feelings concerning the affair; and you need to shift your perspective from the outside to the inside, from the external to the internal.
Not only will Phase I help you take a good honest look at what is going on for you, it also will give you a lot of concrete strategies that will help you cope with and overcome your troubling thoughts and feelings.
Rest assured; we will get to the other things you are worried about. We will look outside as well. We will ask the hard questions. But first you need to look within. That’s what Phase I is all about.
Phase II: Healing From An Affair As a Couple – Working Together to Identify and Resolve Key Issues
After you do some work on your own reactions to this difficult experience, you will start to look more closely at the way you and your partner function as a couple.
In this phase, I will give you a step-by-step program for effectively communicating with your partner. This is a critical component in your healing process. After infidelity, communication becomes incredibly strained. But if you don’t communicate, you can never heal and you can never build your relationship into something that is beautiful and rewarding.
Communication is the key to every good relationship. We will also examine the seven critical dimensions to a good relationship, and you will be asked to explore how you might be better fulfilled in each of these dimensions.
Knowing this will set the stage for rebuilding your relationship into something that is even better than anything you could have hoped for.
It is also in this phase that we will look at whether it is important
for you to discuss the details of the affair. You might be surprised to
know that this step isn’t always critical, and unless it is approached
properly, it can do more harm than good. But I will help you navigate
those waters successfully.
Phase III: Negotiating a Renewed Relationship – Understanding How to Rebuild and Sustain a New, Trust-filled Partnership
Once you learn how to talk to one another again, it is time to actually start doing it. In this last phase of the book, I will teach you how to renegotiate your relationship. This means carving out the time you need to spend with your partner, becoming totally transparent so they can fully trust you, and ultimately, writing a relationship contract that will ensure not only that the infidelity will never happen again but that your relationship will be better than ever.
As I mentioned earlier, this process will take time and some
dedication. But isn’t saving your relationship worth that investment?
The Four Roadblocks to Recovering From & Healing After An Affair
How to Recover From Affair & Heal After an Affair, Infidelity
Before we start exploring what is going on for you specifically, we
need to look at four emotions most people face that can present a real
detriment to your healing process if you get bound up in them. The
problem with these roadblocks isn’t necessarily the emotions themselves.
It’s the fact that getting caught in the emotions can keep you from taking the necessary steps toward healing yourself and your relationship. When any of these four emotions arise, it’s time to take a step back, look at them for what they are, and use the coping strategies I offer in order to get yourself back on the path toward a better-than-ever relationship.
Monster Emotion #1: Jealousy
This ugly green monster is real trouble. It is also perfectly natural, which is one of the things that makes it so hard to deal with and so hard to overcome. When you are faced with the reality that the person you love most in the world has been spending time and showing affection to another, you are bound to feel jealous: jealous over the affection not shown to you, jealous of the time they spent together, even jealous of the idea that the other person might be a better lover than you. If you see this green monster rear its ugly head, keep the following things in mind:
» Do not act rashly on your jealous feelings. If you feel the desire to act on your jealousy, take a moment to step back and think about what you are planning to do. You know, even when you take a medication that is supposed to be good for you, there are potential side effects.
So consider the potential side effects of your planned actions. If the probable benefit outweighs the possible side effects, it could be the right action to take. However, if you take a good, hard, honest look at what your jealousy is asking you to do and you see that the risks are high, perhaps you should refrain from acting at this time and look for an alternative way to handle your feelings.
» Talk to someone about it. This is actually a piece of advice that you should act on any time you feel overwhelmed by your emotions. Take advantage of the resources you have. You probably have people around you who love you, want to help you, and will lend an ear. Talk to them rather than letting your feelings of jealousy consume you.
» Keep this in mind if it is true for you: the cheater has chosen to stay with you, not the paramour. If you are trying to work things out with your partner, remember one important thing: they want to be with you. They have chosen you over the other person. Remembering this can really help when you feel yourself getting caught up in a fit of jealousy.
Monster Emotion #2: Uncertainty
The truth is that at this early stage you can’t be quite sure how things will work out. That much is true. But then, could you ever be truly certain? You are going to face uncertain times, but that doesn’t mean that you will never have a feeling of stability again. It can and will come back. Even the passage of time will help because time does heal many hurts and typically returns you to where things were.
Remember all the things in your life that are certain. No matter who you are or what situation you are in, there are things in your life that are certain: the sun will rise tomorrow; you will have air to breath. And there are those things that are almost certain: you will eat another meal; you will sleep in a bed. Take out your workbook, and make a list of all the things in your life that are certain. When you feel uncertain, open it up and read the list. Meditate on it.
Monster Emotion #3: Shame
Many people feel deeply ashamed when they are injured by an affair. They might get attached to the idea that it happened because they weren’t a good enough partner or they worry that someone else will find out about the affair and they will be humiliated.
When these two concerns are taken together, you might feel ashamed because you are worried that everyone will think you weren’t a good enough partner. If there is one thing I can’t reiterate enough it is that this is not your fault. The cheater is responsible for the affair. You didn’t choose to have this happen, and it isn’t your fault that it did. You probably handled some things imperfectly in your relationship, but everyone does – that does not give your partner the right to violate your trust.
Monster Emotion #4: Loss of Hope
In some ways this is the worst of the four roadblocks. If hopelessness really sets in, you can’t get anywhere. I can’t just keep saying it and hoping you will believe it, but I’ll try once again: there is always hope if you and your partner are mutually dedicated to rebuilding your relationship.
It takes two people working together to make a successful relationship – it takes only one to tear it apart. You can have a wonderful, trusting, loving, needs-fulfilled relationship with your partner again. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t have written a book about it. If you had a loving, passion-filled relationship, you can get it back.
If you start feeling hopeless, just remember the purpose of this book: to give you a way to rebuild your life.
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how to recover from the affair and restore the trust back into your relationship.
How to start the healing process after an affair
How to cope with initial trauma of the affair
How to take control of your emotions and stay sane
How to get the images out of your mind
How to talk about the details of the affair
Why the affair happened and how to prevent it from happening again
Steps for restoring the trust back into the relationship
Rebuild your self-esteem
Why you don’t need to forgive
10 things you must do TODAY
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Most studies indicate that if you go it alone, it takes 2 - 4 years to work through and resolve the affair, whether you stay married or not. Yes, you read that right. But, you want the agony to end today or yesterday, don't you? Well, it won't…and there are no magic wands to make that happen. But, and this is a huge but, it NEED NOT take 2-4 years.
Help yourself break free. Find relief. Sign up above for your totally free course. Begin to make sense of the affair. Know what you must and can do to turn this around. Learn how to move through this agony quickly. A better life waits for you.
FREE Report: Discover Exactly How To Recover From An Affair Heal Your Relationship
Read this FREE report and discover the 21 most-effective steps marriage counselors are using to give couples improved odds at ending the affair, rebuilding the honesty and wiping the slate clean to build a ‘better than ever marriage or relationship.
There is nothing quite like the pain and shock caused when a partner has
been unfaithful. The hurt partner often experiences a profound loss of
self-respect and falls into a depression that can last for years.
Cheating whilst in a relationship is probably the most hurtful thing one can do to their significant other. It ends up not only hurting the ego; it can make someone feel very insecure about themselves. Both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive
Assuming that the affair is definitely over and that both partners want to continue their relationship -- and that’s often a big "If" in these situations -- their first priority should be the restoration of trust. While the person who had the affair is held accountable for his or her behavior, relationship counseling provides a safe, confidential, and balanced environment in which everyone works together to explore and rebuild the relationship.
Discover how to survive an affair and save your marriage or relationship by ending the pain, healing the wounds and restoring the trust, even if you are the only one who wants to and before it's too late ... Having to face an affair in your relationship or marriage can be extremely confusing ... just getting from one day to the next can be an incredible chore.
And although there are certain attributes in relationships that may give someone the need to find sexual affection and gratification elsewhere, cheating usually results from a dissatisfaction of sorts. Right now, you are probably feeling as though someone has either punched you in the stomach or stabbed you in the back -- or even both.
At the end of the day, we all just want to be with someone who loves us -- someone who makes us happy, makes us feel needed, gives us the attention we deserve and someone who we can trust without having to think twice.
And that's not too much to ask for -- it's something we all deserve.
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Help & Advice About Healing & How To Heal After An Affair Infidelity & Cheating
- Saving Your Marriage With Trust and Love - Saving Your Marriage is a step-by-step program designed to stop a break up or divorce and save relationships. This is an excellent alternative to relationship counseling because it helps the couple learn what's broken in their relationship and then shows them how to fix it.
- How To Survive The Affair - How to Survive an Affair helps a couple work through a 3-phase healing plan designed to rebuild the trust and honesty back into the marriage. Program workbook along with bonus programs.
- How To Forgive When You've been Betrayed - Learn how to forgive and work through the past. This workbook teaches couples to understand the true principles of forgiveness.
- How To Communicate With Emotionally Distant Men - Why do men get distant? Emotionally distant men don't communicate. Why do men hide their feelings? Learn about men who hide their feelings, why men get distant, how to communicate with emotionally distant men, and what to do when men become emotionally distant and hide there feelings. Free help communicating with an emotionally distant man..
- Why Men Withdraw And What To Do About It - Men who withdraw and why men withdraw. Learn why men withdraw in a relationship, how men withdraw themselves from a relationship, men who are afraid of love, and what to do about it when they close up.
- Why Men Leave Women - Reasons men leave women. Learn why men leave women when the honeymoon is over, and what to do about it. There are many reasons why men leave relationships or cannot settle down with the woman they're with. Learn what they are and how to stop him from leaving you..
- [book] How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful - While trying to cope with the pain of knowing that their partners have cheated, victims of infidelity have to wrestle with two big questions: whether to stay in the relationship and, if they do stay, how to best prevent experiencing this kind of hurt ever again. In this book, two relationship experts offer readers a new way of understanding the causes and types of infidelity and innovative new ways to "affair-proof" recovered or new relationships.
- [book] Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart - Whether you want to end the relationship or piece things back together, Getting Past the Affair guides you through the initial trauma so you can understand what happened and why before deciding how to move forward. Based on the only program that’s been tested--and proven--to relieve destructive emotions in the wake of infidelity, this compassionate book offers support and expert advice from a team of award-winning couple therapists.
- [book] My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me - This book makes a wonderful contribution to the growing willingness of couples to "break the code of silence" and share their experience with affairs in order to help others. It offers clear insight into the pain involved as well as great hope for the power to recover and rebuild the marriage. Peggy Vaughan, author of "The Monogamy Myth" and Host of www.dearpeggy.com
- [book] Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity - This is the most comprehensive book on affairs that I have ever read and the only one that completely reflects the reality of affairs. No matter how many other books you have read on this subject, read this one. It is absolutely wonderful!
- [book] After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful - For married or cohabiting couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner had had an affair, this tough-minded, insightful manual will be eminently practical. Clinical psychologist Spring, writing with her husband, draws on 20 years of experience treating distressed couples as she explains how both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive.
- [book] When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships - When Good People Have Affairs will be a lifeline to any man or woman who feels caught between two lovers, and its insights are indispensable to anyone else touched by an affair. A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of people caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair rocks their emotional lives.
- [book] Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-Proof Your Marriage - While trying to cope with the pain of knowing that their partners have cheated, victims of infidelity have to wrestle with two big questions: whether to stay in the relationship and, if they do stay, how to best prevent experiencing this kind of hurt ever again. In this book, two relationship experts offer readers a new way of understanding the causes and types of infidelity and innovative new ways to "affair-proof" recovered or new relationships.