Lesbian Relationship Advice & Articles On
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Just when you think you have her all
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bolt of lightning that sends you
reeling and questioning everything you
ever thought you knew about the same sex. In lesbian partnership, each
partner shines the light on the road
when the road is dark as well as holds
the mirror for the other to see the
reflection of truth.
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good relationship with your love, What
makes a good relationship? What is the
truth about your love life and its
future? Learn the difference between
online browsing and online dating! How
can you let go of your past and stop
picking the wrong people? Why do women
do, what they do? Learn the top ways
to motivate the opposite sex and get
what you want from your relationship!
Learn how to deal with the pain of a
cheating partner. Learn to make smart
dating decisions that will attract
healthier relationships to you! Find
out if your current relationship will
last? Is he or she really "the one?"
How can you stop being single once and
for all? Do you want a commitment from
a man and can't seem to get one?
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Topics covered include:
Bouncing Back and Recovering from a Break Up
Being dumped can be one of the most
painful experiences in someone's life.
This article will walk you through
things you can do to get back in the
game with the least down time.
Breaking Up
Is continuing your relationship
becoming
more trouble then its worth?
Go over the questions
you need to ask yourself, and if
necessary, tips on informing
your new
Ex.
Cheating "Aftermath"
You cheated. You did the unthinkable.
What do you do now? Do you tell or
not? Either course of action has its
own drawbacks as well as its benefits.
Before you decide, you should take
time to figure out why you cheated,
and whether or not you want to remain
in the committed relationship.
Cheating "Why Not"
Thinking about cheating, but not sure
if you can? Go over
some of the more common reasons not to
cheat.
Flirting
There is something so exhilarating
about flirting. Flirting does not
necessarily mean you like a person but
it does say you are playful and you
like the "thrill of the hunt". The
easiest step to take in being a good
flirt is to be friendly. Never let a
past rejection cloud your judgment or
make you wary.
Long Distance Relationships
Having a long distance between you and
your loved one can be a difficult
experience, even if your relationship
makes it through. Walk
through the steps to helping your
relationship survive your time apart.
Meeting People
Learn where to go
to meet people, as well as tips on
starting conversation, and getting a
phone number for later.
Passion
Have you ever noticed your
relationships becoming old and stale?
Discus the passion
that was there at the start.
Women
Nervous about approaching girls? Learn dating tricks that every
guy needs to know!
Staying Together
Having a successful long term
relationship doesn't just happen.
Talk through important
things to remember to make sure your
relationship lasts for a long time.
Surviving Valentines Day
For couples, Valentine’s Day can be
a pleasurable light-hearted occasion
or a deeply romantic event.
Unfortunately, the day can also create
high expectations that result in
disappointment. For single people,
Valentine’s Day can be a painful
reminder of the relationship they long
for or the loneliness they feel in
their lives. Learn how you can survive
the occasion relatively intact.
Win Her Back
In the dog house? Need to find a way
to get her back? Learn what
you can do to get her back in no time.
Lesbian Relationships: Talking About
Our Relationships
At one time or another most of us
have heard or spoken the juicy words,
"guess who so-and-so is seeing?" and
"did you hear that so-and-so are
breaking up?" Our interest in the ups
and downs of each others'
relationships is so great that our
desire to hear more is not limited to
the lesbians we know but to any one in
our immediate and distant community
(remember our focus on Ellen and Ann?)
And while many lesbians gossip and
speculate about other lesbians, how
often do we talk about what's going on
in our own relationships? I mean
really talk - not only about what's
good but about what's hard.
The Myth of the
Perfect Lesbian Relationship
It sometimes feels like a risk to
be honest about our relationships - as
if there's an unspoken myth that all
lesbian relationships are perfect and
the same. If ours doesn't measure up
to the ideal model, there must be
something wrong with us.
Our need to proclaim and protect our
love in the context of a
lesbian-hating society often feels
like pressure to hide the struggles in
our relationships for fear they'll be
used against us. This need to defend
our relationships and present a
perfect image can lead to our
minimizing and denying the problems
that do exist.
We Create Our Own
Relationships
In truth lesbian relationships can
vary a great deal. How we construct
our relationships is both a reflection
of the wider heterosexual model as
well as a reflection of our own
creativity to create relationships
within a void. With few or no models
to look to, we are often freer than
heterosexuals to create relationships
of our own choosing rather than ones
based on social conditioning and
expectations.
Some lesbian relationships exist
outside the mainstream heterosexual
model, operating on entirely different
values. They may embrace non-monogamy,
be poly-amorous, live in separate
homes for years, be committed to
resolving their problems while staying
together for "as long as we are good
together" rather than "till death do
us part", and relate to each other as
equals and friends as well as lovers.
Being in a lesbian relationship can
feel like starting from scratch - we
get to ask ourselves what kind of
relationship we want rather than feel
compelled to follow some Hollywood
model.
But it's not always easy to be so
inventive. We don't live in a vacuum,
there are social pressures on us. For
lesbians, homophobia can present an
obvious pressure and strain on our
relationships.
The Pressure of
Homophobia
Many lesbian relationships suffer
under the critical eyes of homophobic
family and peers. Arguments about
whether or not to come out, with whom
and when can occur. Even when there is
agreement not to be out, there may be
differences between women about how
far to go to hide their relationship.
Where only one woman isn't out, her
repeated denial of the existence of
the relationship may leave her partner
feeling hurt, insecure, and unloved.
The one who isn't out may even blame
and resent her partner who serves as a
reminder of her own secrecy and
feelings of guilt. Both women may feel
depressed, irritable, and unhappy and
take it out on each other.
Hurt and angry feelings can lead to
arguments, insecurities, and worries
about the stability of the
relationship. In this situation, it is
vitally important for both women to
talk about how they are feeling, and
hear and understand each other's
concerns and fears.
Even when both women are mostly or
completely out, homophobia can, take
its toll - because of harassment, fear
of harassment, times it's scary to be
out and you pull apart from each
other, rumors that get started,
assumptions that are made about you,
and so on. Repeatedly framing the
problem as homophobia, rather than an
inadequacy on the part of either
women, helps to lay the blame where it
belongs and instead of fighting about
how to handle situations it is far
better to bond over a mutual problem
and find your way through it together.
Doubly Stigmatized
When there are differences between
women, based on such things as race,
culture, age and sexual identity it
can be an additional hurdle to cross.
Added to this is the reality that too
often even lesbian friends can be
critical and unsupportive of overt
differences between women assuming
that it will never work out. This can
be particularly devastating and
isolating to a couple - to be rejected
by both the mainstream and their own
communities. Although this reluctance
on the part of friends to accept your
partner often changes over time, it's
still very hard for couples to be
doubly stigmatized. Couple in these
situations often feel like they have
to present their relationship and
partner as perfect because everyone is
expecting them to fail. This is too
much to expect of yourself. Finding
people who support your relationship
is so very important, even if it means
going to couple's therapy for awhile.
Having Time Apart
It's not uncommon in the beginning
of a relationship for lesbian couples
to spend all of their free time
together - basking in each other's
love and mutual discovery. Friends my
be dropped, separate activities cease,
and the relationship becomes like a
cocoon. This may feel really good to
both women for awhile. But, in time,
this total focus on each other
decreases usually with one of the
women expressing a need to have space.
She may need time alone, or want to
spend time with her friends. If she's
felt it for awhile, it may come out
abruptly or desperately. Either way,
her partner may hear her as saying she
needs to get away from her. Feeling
hurt or rejected, she may get upset or
angry and question her lover's love or
commitment. The one wanting space may
feel misunderstood, suffocated and
possibly controlled, and then feel an
even greater need for space. Not a
good combination!
Short of lots of mutual understanding
and reassurances at this point or
shortly thereafter, many couples end
up arguing. Rather than figuring out
how to support each others' needs for
separate time, they may only get time
apart after a fight which is not
satisfying for either woman.
Dealing With Our
Differences
Dealing with differences can be a
real challenge for couples. As
lesbians, we love that we're both
women - our sameness feels good and
right. We delight in each other, our
bodies, doing things together,
swapping clothes, sharing food, music,
ideas and laughter. But, when we hit a
point, or too many points, of
differences we may feel uncomfortable,
scared or angry. From the less
important things like when we go to
bed, to more important things like not
getting along with each other's
friends or not enjoying the same
social activities, eventually we
discover that we have differences.
Our difficulty dealing with
differences may be due to a discomfort
with the separateness they can create,
or the fact that differences challenge
our assumptions about the way people
or relationships "should be like".
Maybe we think that feeling separate
is not okay or means there is a
problem when it's actually a very
healthy thing and helps us to feel
even closer. Maybe we're uncomfortable
with our own privilege and how that
gives us power in the relationship.
If our identity is wrapped up in the
other person, we may believe that our
differences mean that there is
something wrong with us or them but
differences are just that -
differences. They don't mean anything
more than that - the challenge is to
accept our differences and even
rejoice in them. We can learn from
each other's differences. A partner
who needs a lot of space may learn how
to set her boundaries clearly and
compassionately. A partner who needs
less space may learn the value of
space or to not feel abandoned when
her lover takes space.
Our inclination can be to suppress
differences that arise - worried that
they mean something is wrong with the
relationship. But, suppressing
differences only leads to flat,
stifled relationships or the opposite
- lots of fighting. Unacknowledged or
undervalued differences lead to
resentment, can dampen sexual desires,
fuel power imbalances and lead to
despair, frustration and bitter
arguments. Letting differences out
into the light of day and not
attaching any negative meaning to them
goes a long way in a relationship.
Noticing, talking about and
appreciating differences can prevent
all sorts of problems.
Dealing With Conflict
When resentments do build up, many
women avoid addressing them. Many of
us are never taught ways of dealing
with our anger and conflict. Many
women try very hard to get along and
to minimize differences or feelings of
anger and resentment. But, our anger
doesn't go anywhere and usually builds
up and comes out in indirect ways
which is usually hurtful to the other
person and the relationship.
Airing resentments is really important
and women often have to work at doing
this. Taking time to listen to others'
resentments can help. Listening to and
understanding each others' anger goes
a long way. It's not about who's right
or wrong but about understanding each
others' perspectives.
Sometimes a good remedy for a
relationship problem is to talk to a
trusted and supportive friend about
what's going on in your relationship -
not in someone else's relationship!
Our struggles are not so very
different from each other and we can
learn from hearing how other lesbians
have handled their problems -
something we don't get to hear enough
about.
© Kali Munro, 1998, 2001.
Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist 416
929-4612
email@KaliMunro.com
www.KaliMunro.com
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Karmic relationships
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topics include: loving, relationship
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divorce, family matters, body and
soul, awareness, fear resolution,
priorities and more.
Are you looking for relationship
advice on love, romance, understanding
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