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Moving On
The Obstacle
is the Path
Moving On After a Divorce or Break-Up
Coping with the break-up of a relationship?
Get help moving on after a break up and work through the emotions associated
with the break-up of a marriage or serious
relationship. Walk away and move on.
A step-by-step system for saving your relationship after
it's been shattered by an affair. Tormented by your unanswered
questions? Devastated after having your complete self-worth
sabotaged? Work through the healing and restoration of your
relationship after an affair.
Learn how to restore the honesty,
safety and trust back into your relationship (even if your
partner isn't yet willing).
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After any long-term relationship it
may be tough to find the inner
strength or desire to open your heart
to love again.
After a significant relationship
has ended non-mutually, the partner
who has been "dumped" often wonders
about similar issues to yours. Dealing
with these issues and feelings are the
next steps that need to be taken.
Through some personal exploration,
you'll learn the best choice(s) to
help you move on.
The rate of divorce in America remains
high, leaving many adult men and women
alone, available and wondering how to
maneuver on the playing field. After
years of being in a relationship,
putting yourself back in the singles
market can be a daunting endeavor.
Here, we
offer advice gleaned from
our own
research and that of other experts to
help you get back into dating mode.
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How to move on after a long term
relationship
Story
After 19 years of waking up next to
the same person, 44-year-old Yolanda*,
a marketing consultant, suddenly found
herself greeting mornings alone.
Recently divorced, she was overwhelmed
by the mere thought of dating again.
Yolanda's self-esteem was so damaged
by her tumultuous breakup that she
worried about her ability to start a
new relationship, not to mention her
rusty dating skills. And the pool of
single men looked more like a droplet
compared with the ocean available to
her during her younger years.
Yolanda may have felt alone on the
playing field, but she was far from
it. According to the U.S. Census
Bureau, approximately nine in 10
people will marry, but about one half
of first marriages end in divorce.
Between 1970 and 1996, the number of
women living alone doubled to 14.6
million, and the number nearly tripled
for men, jumping from 3.5 million to
10.3 million.
With so many single adults out there,
one might guess that there's also a
lot of dating going on. Instead, it
seems that the older we get, the less
we date. In one study conducted at the
University of Michigan Institute for
Social Research, social psychologist
Jerald G. Bachman, Ph.D., found that
nearly 50 percent of 18-year-olds go
out at least once a week, compared
with only approximately 25 percent of
32-year-olds.
While it's true that some people
simply choose not to date, others want
to but don't know how to go about it
or can't overcome their negative
self-thoughts. So how can those who
are struggling with these obstacles
successfully and healthfully re-enter
the dating arena?
First, it's important to set
appropriate personal standards. In
particular, will you play hard to get
or be an easy catch? I call the
manifestation of these standards one's
"social price." The more you have to
offer in a relationship, the more you
can expect in return, thus increasing
your appropriate social price. Factors
that help determine your social price
include your ability to bring
desirable traits such as inner
strength, kindness, intelligence and
affection to a relationship.
Working with Shigeyuyki Hamori, an
economist at Kobe University in Japan,
I researched methods for estimating
the qualities and contributions of
marriage prospects. We hypothesized
that singles seeking relationships
assess unseen qualities in others
based on social price as it is
reflected in actions, body language
and verbal communication. We concluded
that those exhibiting self-confident
assertions of dating standards are
perceived as holding relatively more
promise as marriage partners.
Conversely, those who appear insecure
and desperate, call a love interest
excessively or engage in sexual
activity too soon send signals that
they hold inferior unseen traits.
So just as we tend to assume that
expensive cars are better than
similar, cheaper ones, we may also
conclude that those demonstrating high
social prices have unobserved
qualities superior to those with lower
social prices. But be wary:
Overselling also occurs. For instance,
individuals with a substantial income
but little else to offer may
exaggerate their social price. And as
with any type of price
misrepresentation, true quality
eventually surfaces. In the dating
market, this can translate into a
broken relationship.
At the core, inaccurate social pricing
is a by-product of low self-esteem and
other negative self-emotions. "Fear
absolutely devastates some people,"
says clinical psychologist Michael S.
Broder, Ph.D., a former
radio-talk-show host and author of The
Art of Living Single. "It can be the
fear of being hurt, rejected or
involved, and it can stem from a
history of having been hurt or of
traumatic relationships. People can be
very proficient in other parts of
their lives, but the fear of dating
can make them stay alone or pine for
the relationship they left."
Others rebound or get involved in
another relationship too soon. Their
desperation usually stems from
sadness, guilt, anger or anxiety about
being alone. You get this feeling that
you're in the worst possible situation
in your life. Then you may do what you
later consider desperate: a one-night
stand, calling the ex or ignoring
intuitive warnings and jumping into a
bad relationship you would never
choose if you weren't feeling
reckless.
Fortunately, it is possible to avoid
these and other pitfalls when seeking
out a new partner. If you're ready to
get back in the saddle again, here are
five key tips to help you on your way.
1. Develop A (New) Support Group
It's natural to turn to old friends
for support. They know and care about
you, and they typically have your best
interests in mind. But more often it's
new friends who will better help you
adjust to your new life. That's
because friends shared with your ex
often unwittingly take sides, and
either alliance can prove a hindrance
when introducing someone new into your
life. Old friends may lack the proper
interest or compassion, and they may
even be jealous of your newfound
freedom.
"My divorce split our extended
families and friends," says Yolanda of
her and her ex-husband. "But my new
friends had a fresh perspective that
helped my self-esteem. Those who were
single had confidence that was
contagious; that really helped me when
I started going out again as a single
person. And sometimes they offered
good advice."
Do use discretion when listening to
others' words of wisdom, advises
Broder. "Solutions that worked for a
friend may be a disaster for you. If
you don't want advice, be assertive
and let people know that advice giving
is off-limits unless it's requested."
For the most part, however, friendship
is a vital ingredient in the recovery
process. "Facing things alone can take
a toll on you," says Broder. "Friends
can help you see that dating doesn't
have to be so serious."
2. Assess Your Self-Worth
People with low self-esteem tend to
create relationships with others who
evaluate them negatively, suggests one
study on self-concept done by William
B. Swann Jr., Ph.D., a University of
Texas psychology professor. If you're
suffering from a negative self-image,
it's vital you take steps to create a
positive, healthy self-concept.
Begin by making a list of your
positive qualities, then hang it in
your home where you'll see it
regularly, suggest Bruce Fisher, Ed.D.,
Robert Alberti, Ph.D., and Virginia M.
Satir, M.A., in their book Rebuilding
When Your Relationship Ends. Sharing
your list with your support group and
asking for honest feedback will help
you to work on clearing up any
discrepancies between your self-image
and the real you. Broder also
recommends making a list of new
beliefs and affirmations that you'd
like to incorporate into your thinking
system. Read aloud these new
self-concepts often, regardless of how
you're feeling, to help solidify them
in your mind.
For Yolanda, a brief relationship five
years after her divorce made her
realize she had to adjust her
mind-set. "I felt ashamed about all of
the times I'd say yes when my answer
was really no," she says now. "The
consequences were painful, but I
didn't believe I could completely
change the pattern. Then I took the
advice you hear about in 12-step
programs and turned it over to God--my
higher power. Moving forward and
forgiving myself became easier."
People who feel victimized after a
breakup may do well to develop a
bold--or even defiant--attitude.
Psychologists at the University of
Washington and Canada's University of
Waterloo recently found that feelings
of resignation and sadness make people
with low self-esteem less motivated to
improve their mood. "When you feel
defiant you become excited, confident
and ready to take action," says
Broder. "You take care of yourself,
making it pretty clear that you are
not going to be ruined by divorce.
It's a very healthy thing to do."
3. Plan Activities
You won't find a new mate--or even a
new friend--while sitting on the
couch, your television on, curtains
drawn. Consider your post-relationship
time as an opportunity to do the
things you couldn't do while you were
with your ex. Create a list of 20
activities you would enjoy doing with
a perfect partner, then give the list
a second look. "Rarely do people have
more than three or four things on
their list that they cannot do if
they're not in a relationship," says
Broder. "Be active; don't feel like
your whole life is on hold."
Today's singles are finding luck--and
love--in nonconventional ways. After
her 17-year relationship ended, Lili*,
a 43-year-old writer, re-entered the
dating arena by joining a telephone
dating service. Instead of meeting men
for dinner, she invited them for
daytime walks in a well-populated
park. "They weren't dates; they were
interviews," says Lili, who admits
that taking the first step was
difficult. "If I liked them, we went
for coffee." Laura*, a 49-year-old
financial adviser, also missed
companionship after her 24-year
marriage dissolved. "I don't sit with
problems for very long," she says. "I
knew what I wanted and went after it."
Laura joined an online dating service
and eventually met her soon-to-be
second husband.
Joseph Walther, Ph.D., an associate
professor of communication, language
and literature at Troy, New York's
Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute,
found that people who use Internet
dating services such as Match.com
may achieve more beginning-stage
emotional intimacy than they do in
face-to-face situations. Single
surfers don't have to worry about
common first-impression concerns such
as bad-hair days and wrinkled clothes,
Walther points out. Plus, they don't
see body-language cues such as
shrugging and smirking that can create
barriers in communication. Currently,
cyber researchers believe that as much
as 33 percent of friendships formed
online eventually advance to
face-to-face meetings.
4. Curb Unhealthy Cravings
When we are in emotional pain, our
feelings often don't coincide with our
intellect and instead manifest
themselves as cravings that can prove
unhealthy and self-destructive.
Cravings usually plague people who
have zero tolerance for a single
lifestyle and want to jump into a new
relationship as soon as their breakup
is final. Also susceptible are
individuals with low self-evaluation
who are convinced they can't make it
alone. Fortunately, while such
cravings may feel overwhelming and
unavoidable, Broder asserts that they
don't have to be.
Take Julie*, a 42-year-old college
student in Southern California whose
need for immediate passion led her to
make decisions despite intuitively
knowing they were unwise. "I kept
going out with men who did not have
the potential for a long-term
relationship," she confesses. "One had
problems with his ex-wife, another
wouldn't marry outside of his
religion. After getting hurt many
times, I finally decided to be more
careful when choosing men. I'm still
prone to my old behavior, but I'm more
apt to say no to men who are a poor
match for me."
To short-circuit cravings, Broder
suggests doing something that actively
breaks the pattern and makes you
approach the situation in a healthier
way. Call someone in your support
group, share your unwanted tendencies
and ask that he or she invite you out
when you fall into bad habits. And
consider keeping a journal of the
things that successfully distract you
from your urges, such as renting a
funny movie or going for a long walk,
that you can turn to the next time
cravings crop up.
5. Prepare for Pitfalls
Certain times of the year--holidays,
anniversaries and birthdays, for
instance--are harder to navigate than
others because they are loaded with
expectations and memories. After a
separation or divorce, social
configurations change, making feelings
of loss and loneliness more intense.
Perfectionists tend to struggle most
during the holidays, according to
Broder. High expectations lead them to
dwell on favorite memories of their
past and compare them with current
situations.
Garrett*, an optometrist in his
mid-40s, remembers that his first
Christmas alone was a tough one.
"Weeks prior to the holidays were
extremely difficult because the
traditions were highly disrupted," he
says. "Not being in my own home and
not having a closeness with someone
was difficult, and I felt very much
afraid of not finding someone again."
To cope, Garrett stuck close to his
family. "You stitch together the
connections that you have," he says.
"It was piecemeal and patchwork, but
it was critical for me. I also looked
for other ways to divert my attention.
I organized a staff party,
participated in a musical and cooked
at other people's homes."
Garrett got it right, according to
Sally Karioth, Ph.D., R.N., an
associate nursing professor at Florida
State University and an expert on
stress, grief and trauma. Karioth
points again to planning as the key to
reducing stress and meeting new
people. Don't be afraid to ask for
help organizing new activities, and
break tasks into smaller chores to
fend off feelings of being
overwhelmed. Broder also suggests
avoiding holiday comparisons and
focusing instead on the enjoyable
aspects of current and future ones.
"You'll get through, and then you
won't fear it anymore," says Broder.
"It may not be the best of your life,
but it may not be the horror you
thought it would be."
Ultimately, the best tip for
re-entering the dating game is to
explore various action strategies and
choose those that are most comfortable
for you. For some, getting into the
right frame of mind before taking the
leap is essential. For others, simply
trying something new or even
uncomfortable works. You know yourself
best, so trust your inner wisdom. If
you are ready to find new love, take
heart: More than 40 percent of
weddings in America are remarriages.
But don't feel obligated to rush into
another marriage, either--the U.S.
Census Bureau reports that 60 percent
of second marriages end in divorce.
Now that you're single it's perfectly
acceptable to remain so if that's what
you prefer.
* Identities have been changed.
What you do with your life
now is up to you
After any long-term relationship it
may be tough to find the inner
strength or desire to open your heart
to love again. When a love interest
comes knocking at your door, how do
you know that old battle wounds and
scars have been healed enough to let
love in? Seeing as each person is
completely individual, there really
isn't a way to know exactly when the
right time to begin a new relationship
is.
What may work for one person, may not
work for another. Fortunately, there
are a few key attributes that
successful relationships have in
common. If you find that you meet
these, then it may be time to let love
in. When you're ready to analyze your
heart's state of affairs, take an
honest look at the questions below to
determine how ready you really are.
1 - How stable is your life?
How can you possibly hope to
keep a relationship together if your
life isn't put together properly? I
think many of us use relationships as
a way to help fix ourselves, when
actually; we should be trying to do
that before we find someone else.
Isn't it true that a good many of our
love interests result from someone who
was there to give us a stable hand?
How do you think your next
relationship will benefit if you were
already stable?
2 - Have you learned something
about yourself from every past
relationship?
On our path through life we encounter
many different obstacles, people and
experiences. This is what makes us
unique. Everyone has a different life
experience. The people who create
happy lives take each experience and
make it work for them, especially if
it is a negative one. If you haven't
learned something about the way you
interact with another person from your
past relationships, you're living in
cycle that won't get broken until you
take the time to find out. You can't
possibly expect to break negative
habits if you're not aware of them.
3 - Have you narrowed down your
specific desires as to what type of
person you want to meet?
Each relationship offers us an
opportunity to review our master list
of qualities of our ideal mate.
Sometimes, what we thought we wanted
didn't even come close to what we
really needed. After a long-term
relationship it is especially prudent
to revise your list of desirable
traits. Were there things about your
past partner that hindered you from
being really you? What traits would
help you feel the most comfortable
with being yourself?
4 - Are you really over your past?
I know, you're probably thinking it's
a misprint? You may be thinking "Don't
you mean past love?" Sometimes, I find
we identify our past with our past
loves. Our life may have included
something that was special that we may
be feeling is missing now. Somehow
that gets wrapped up in our emotions
with our past love. So, instead of
trying to find new ways to make our
life more complete, we think we need
to have our past love to feel
complete. Make sure you identify your
real sources of desire before
beginning a new relationship.
5 - Have you talked about your
feelings with someone else?
It is often easier to deal with the
real issues of the heart privately.
However, this isn't always the best
option. Talking about what's really
going on in your mind and your heart
gives you the opportunity to release
any painful or negative emotions you
didn't know you had bottled up. Trust
me, there are almost always bottled up
emotions you're unaware of. If you
don't have anyone you feel you can
trust to talk to, try talking to a
group of people online. A great place
to start would be our anonymous advice
forums. Use them as a sounding board
to get inspiration or just to get
everything off your chest. Whoever you
talk to, you'll be glad you did.
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