Title: Love Talk
 

When we love other people we make ourselves vulnerable to them. We allow ourselves to trust them; we permit them to see aspects of ourselves which we hold close to our hearts: our doubts, our fears, our dreams. The more commitment we've made to a relationship, the more personal barriers we've dismantled, the more upset we become when the other party violates that trust and/or tramples all over our vulnerabilities.

 Even though you've told your mother countless times not to she still tells the story of how you ran out of the doctor's office (wearing only a little paper examining gown) when he tried to give you a vaccination.

Your business partner, without consulting with you, spends a fortune on an item guaranteed to gather dust on the shelves.

Your friend asks you when you're going to stop fooling around with acting and get a real job.

Your spouse or partner decides that he's not spending one more holiday with your family because they are unbearable--or decides that the city is unbearable and wants to move to Alaska.

Any relational conflict will be intensified if we're having trouble on the job, have lost someone we love, or any other situation we feel vulnerable about. We will bring our feeling of endangerment into the relationship, and increase existing tensions--and the more vulnerable we feel the less likely we are to take the initiative in discussing difficulties in a relationship. "He won't listen," we think. "She'll think I'm an idiot. Since the whole world seems to be taking great delight in attacking me why should she be any different?"

Broken Hearts

 So we don't talk because it's too dangerous, and we feel worse. We discover how many irritating qualities the other person has. If we live with them our store of grievances will accumulate rapidly, until one day we have a fight over crumbs left on the cutting board. People have broken up over such things--because they feel too vulnerable to share their feelings. They're afraid that all that will come out is anger and tears, that they won't be able to get their point across, that the other person, being more verbally skilled (or just louder) will win.

If You Can't Say It Write It

At various times in our lives both Rick, my husband, and I have used letters to open up and clear up difficulties with various people about whom they cared deeply. Here are some of the advantages we've discovered with this method.

 Writing a letter gives us the opportunity to think about what we want to say. Instead of screaming, "I hate you, you never listen to me," we can take the time to remember and report specific instances in which the other person didn't listen. When we're writing we don't have to worry about being interrupted by another's angry outburst.

If we re-read what we've written and want to change it we can (especially if we write on a computer). The reader, too, has an advantage. Instead of being too busy preparing her defense to actually listen to what the other person is saying she can read the letter. She can re-read it if anything isn't clear. THEN she can prepare her rebuttal, and if it seems too explosive to say it she can write it.

Say It with Love

 Yes, but how? At least you don't have the hated face of the beloved other before you to incite you to rage, but you're still angry. That's all right. You can feel and also communicate your anger. What we're looking for now is a way in which you can also communicate that you love this person. The Angel Gabriel relates to love and heart connections.

You can call on this angel to help what you write connect to the other person's heart, and/or on a connecting angel. The book, Ask Your Angels, contains a number of exercises for working with your angels to heal relationships. You can offer up a prayer that your words will be written and received with love.

You can create an intention that your intention is to heal and deepen your relationship. If you've taken Reiki II you can send loving energy with the distant healing symbol, and use the symbol for mental/ emotional balance on yourself.

The actual words you write will depend on you and your situation. Sometimes, as you write, you'll realize aspects of the situation which you've created. For example, if you feel betrayed by another, a dismal parade of all the people who ever betrayed you may trudge through your heart; you may realize that you attract people who betray you.

If this happens promise yourself that you're going to work on this area. You may also want to acknowledge this to the other person (don't worry; it doesn't diminish their responsibility). The other person may respond verbally or by letter, and don't be surprised if they have some issues to raise with you.

Receive their words in the same spirit that you wanted them to receive yours. If all that goes through your head is that their wrong, wrong, WRONG, see if you can suspend that judgment and try to listen to them/ read the letter as if there's a chance that they could be right.

At the same time, if they don't seem to address your concerns at all in their response, write them another letter. Issues, especially if they're long-standing and deeply felt, don't always get cleared up through one letter exchange. Your chances of healing a relationship through this method are better if you can get a beforehand agreement from the other person to use it.