Title: Nurture Your Self Esteem

 

Self-esteem is a way of being, thinking, feeling and acting that implies that you accept, trust and believe in yourself.

When you accept yourself, you can live comfortably with both your personal strengths and weaknesses, without undue self-criticism. When you respect yourself, you acknowledge your own dignity and value as a unique human being. You treat yourself well, in much the same way that you would treat someone else who you respect.
Self-trust means that your desires, beliefs, behaviors and feelings are consistent enough to give you an inner sense of continuity and coherence, despite changes and challenges in your circumstances. To believe in yourself means that you feel you deserve to succeed and - on the basis of past demonstrated competence and current resources - you have confidence that you can fulfill your deepest personal needs, aspirations and goals.

A fundamental truth about self-esteem is that it needs to come from within. When self-esteem is low, the deficiency creates a feeling of emptiness which you may try to fill by latching on - often compulsively - to something or someone that provides a temporary sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. When this becomes desperate, repetitive or automatic, you have an addiction. Frequently this attachment substitutes for healthy human relationships. It may also substitute a feeling of control or power for a more lasting sense of inner confidence and strength.

What difference does self-esteem make?

When we are high in self-esteem we feel good about ourselves. We feel in control of our life and are flexible and resourceful. We are able to make choices about how we run our life. We enjoy the challenges that life makes and are ready to take life head on. We feel powerful, creative and confident that we can 'make things happen' in our life.

We can realize our own potential by integrating all our abilities in a balanced and harmonious way. To each experience we bring our whole self and we integrate all our faculties. This 'holistic' approach describes us as existing simultaneously at the spiritual, mental, emotional and physical levels, and we bring all of these aspects to each of our experiences. For example, in meeting a new person, you bring the spiritual experience of your inner awareness, your connection with the life force that is you and your creative resources. Your mental energy brings understanding, empathy, perception and communication. Your emotional energy is expressed as feelings about what is going on and your physical energy enables you to actively participate.

As we all know, experiences can be subjectively good or bad. A good experience occurs when one has been creative - spiritual, mental, emotional and physical energies have been expressed in a balanced way - and this enhances self-esteem. You feel at ease and are able to 'make things happen'. You express choice and create the experience and so feel in control of your destiny. You feel good!

A bad experience, in which one has suffered in some way, tends to reduce self-esteem. If you feel you have no choice, if you feel 'trampled on' or a victim, you feel uncomfortable and out of control in your life. Things 'just happen' to you (or don't). So you feel bad.

When we respond to particular circumstances we can do so from a state of creative consciousness or from a state of victim consciousness. If you operate from a state of creative consciousness you are valuing yourself for what you are, right now, and not just for what you do or have done. Your sense of worth does not depend on having a high-profile job or having expensive possessions or being clever.
Self worth has nothing to do with job status or IQ or never getting things wrong. In other words you are not worth less if you can't do something or things go badly wrong. This idea of intrinsic self worth is the strength on which true self-esteem is based. Demonstrated competence and praise enhances self-esteem but this needs to be based on an underlying foundation, where incompetence and criticism does not detract from intrinsic self worth.

This view of the world is one which allows for the creative experience of choice. We are free to initiate change and so can enjoy an action-based lifestyle in which we are able to communicate our needs clearly. Such behavior then reinforces our self-esteem.

Without a sense of intrinsic self worth you have a limited world view which provides you with little or no choice. This creates a reactive lifestyle in which you are always looking for the approval of others before you can act. Such a fear-based lifestyle results in unclear communication and consequent feelings of resentment, anger and blame. Hence the victim's lack of self-esteem is reinforced.


Improving Your Self Esteem

Maybe you know how to 'look inside', feel relaxed and resourceful, but don't know how to bring this experience into material reality. In other words you can connect with your inner self but can't so easily act upon this connection - you can imagine and be inspired but can't put this into effect.

Perhaps you can act in a fairly spontaneous way but do not feel there is any more to your life than that which appears before your eyes. In this case you are finding it difficult to connect to your real goals and aspirations.

You may be very emotionally aware and sensitive to other people's feelings. If so, you are in touch with your feelings but does this gift work for you? Can you put your emotions into perspective so that you are able to think clearly and act appropriately?

Perhaps you are very good at understanding ideas and thinking rationally but your thoughts stay in your head and you aren't able to act upon on them. Or perhaps you find it difficult to express your feelings clearly about those issues.

Proper balance of self-connection, thought, feeling and action is the key to creativity and when we operate with creative consciousness we are high in self-esteem.

No doubt some times you have felt inspired to act - to make or say or do something. There is an extraordinary rush of energy and clarity that accompanies this. You feel excited, can't wait to begin and everything seems possible. But putting the vision into effect can be a sobering process. Spirit meets the resistance of materiality and the vision fades. We may fall back into habitual, limiting thought and behavior patterns and the new perspective becomes obscured. But if we can hold on to the spiritual connection and integrate it with the mental, emotional and behavioral aspects of our self, we can 'makes things happen' and experience our creative potential.

As we get to know and trust our inner intuitive awareness, this produces a clarity of thought which illuminates the areas where we have created blocks - it throws light on patterns of thought and behavior which are now seen as inappropriate. It becomes easier to make decisions and act spontaneously.

On the other hand, if we lose touch with the creative source that is our inner being, we identify with negative thoughts, emotions and behavior patterns. We can't see them for what they are because we are being them. So at the other end of the spectrum we see self-conscious people with low self-esteem, hiding, either in frantic activity or in withdrawal. Imagine yourself in the following situations:

You are at a party and you don't know anyone except for the host. You have returned an article of clothing which has split along the seam. The shop assistant tells you they have a 'no returns' policy. Your doctor is evasive about answering your questions properly.

In each case, what would you do? How would you feel? What would you be thinking (underlying your emotions)? And what would be your true desire in that situation?

When our true desires inform our thinking and our feelings then we are being true to ourselves and this enhances self-esteem. When our true desires are submerged by distorted thinking and painful emotions then the resulting behavior is in conflict and our self-esteem lowers.

Try to set aside some time, each day, to fulfill solely your own needs and for your own personal enjoyment. This may include doing this course or it may be with other people but it is for you. The willingness to be self-nurturing plays a vital part in the development of your 'beingness'. As you start looking at your own needs and stop playing the victim of other people's demands you will be treated with more respect because you will gain more self respect.

You are 'going inside yourself' and this requires that you break your identification with worldly links - you are going beyond your thoughts, feelings and desires. You will have found that the mind keeps on chattering and trying to stop it doesn't work, you have to become a detached observer of it, and then it starts to fade away. What you resist persists.

When we are truly being ourselves, without the barrier of mind chatter and negative emotions, it is easier to make direct connection between you, the spiritual being, and the world around you. This is an aesthetic experience, one of truth. Have you ever become totally absorbed by a project, a picture, a piece of music, a landscape? The mind becomes concentrated and still and you feel 'at one'.

A shift in awareness - an awakening - can be triggered by such things as a dream, a memory, an evocative smell, falling in love, being afraid. It is only necessary for our defenses to be down (which means we are holding no preconceived ideas) in order that we can experience something more intensely, as if for the first time, in a new moment. Can you recall such an experience of connecting, and the feeling of it?

To experience connection rather than separation, we need to break all attachments with our thoughts and desires and so learn to suspend our judgment. It is possible to connect and experience your spiritual self at any time, whatever you are doing. With the technique of 'self remembering' we adopt the role of witness as we go about our everyday lives. The witness observes all your doings but is non-evaluative; it does not judge your actions (remember, you are not your actions). For example, you might eat a chocolate cake and then get annoyed with yourself for having eaten it. The witness (if and when it arrives) would note: "He is eating a cake; he is annoyed at himself for doing so". The witness is dispassionate and does not care what you do, think and feel but simply notes it.

Of course, like stopping thoughts, this is easier said than done. You might be driving down the street and the witness notes that; you feel content and that is noted; then someone cuts right in front of you causing you to slam on the brakes. You forget about witnessing and immediately identify with your emotions of anger or frustration. Only much later do you remember that you were attempting to witness! But with practice you find it is possible to 'wake up' in the middle of a drama and observe a part of yourself hooked by an emotion; to that degree you have then learned that you are not your emotions, you have differentiated your real self, the spiritual being that has intrinsic worth and cannot be judged in the same way that the inappropriate or self-defeating emotions and behaviors may be. And because you stop judging your self, you notice that the same applies to others, so you can cease judging them too.

You notice that as you dramatize various thoughts, emotions and behaviors it is as though you were different people at the time, other little personalities that come and go as appropriate, but usually reactively, according to patterns of behavior rather than consciously.

How many you's are there inside you? Very many. By lunch time today you may have been thoughtful, serious, annoyed, lustful, tired, forgetful, and have had many fleeting intentions and purposes toward others or ideas about what you want or don't want. You may have been acting like some person you admire or not like another who don't want to be associated with. And many, many other ways of being. Each 'sub-personality' is all-consuming while it lasts, and some of these sub-personalities may play a major role in your make-up. Who you think you are may even actually be a sub-personality and not the real essence of you.

I would like to point out that sometimes one 'you' does something for which every other 'you' must pay, maybe for the rest of your life. Our sub-personalities are numerous and ephemeral and many are evaluative and judgmental, and have plenty of irrational thoughts and beliefs, harmful intentions and painful emotions attached to them. Each is actually a solution to past problems that is retained and replayed in the present. To break this ceaseless train of identifications with the technique of self remembering is to give ourselves some inner freedom.

The more you use this technique the more powerful it becomes. Each 'you' is a reflection of a link with a desire, feeling or thought - these are our links with the material world. By taking on the role of witness we can objectify these sub-personalities and so break our identification with them.

When we experience our spirituality we recognize our true place in the world and we know that we have our own vital role to play. This feeling of truly belonging creates a sense of worthiness which enhances our self-esteem.

SELF ESTEEM VERSUS SELF-ACCEPTANCE

A common misconception is that the assessment of a person's competence and ability is equivalent to a value judgment of the worth of the actual person. Any self-esteem that results from such an identification is a house built of cards that may instantly collapse, when the next action is judged as wrong, incompetent or stupid, and the person therefore as "less worthy".

A more logical, realistic and beneficial approach to the individual is an unconditional acceptance of the core Self. The essential worth of an individual is unarguable, but the personality, the adaptive ego, may carry along maladaptive behaviors like tin cans trailing behind it.

The individual and his learned and practiced behavior patterns or beliefs, are not the same thing. Every person is fallible and prone to make mistakes, indeed that is the only way to learn from experience, and every person is trying to achieve goals in life, whilst surrounded by all the difficulties and struggles that survival necessarily entails.

To accept this about oneself is then to be immune to demands upon others' approval, and gives a greater freedom to act in a way that has reason to be right, rather than because a way is approved of by others.

Unconditional self-acceptance is therefore a more realistic and aware form of self-regard, than self esteem based on peer approval. And this awareness brings with it the corollary: an unconditional acceptance of the essence of others, friend or foe alike.

To consider the essence of a person as "unacceptable" is to insist that somebody should or must be different from the way they actually are, and that is essentially irrational.

The behavior of self and others, as demonstrated by competence and ability, then remains to be criticized or admired and esteemed, according to the ethics and aesthetics manifested, and this judgment may be rational (when it involves preferences) or irrational (when it involves musts and intolerances). When that judgment is rational then it is a valid criteria for esteem and for self-esteem.

The following is a list of beliefs that are irrational, superstitious, or "senseless" but which are universally inculcated in Western Society and would seem inevitably to lead to widespread neurosis, when used compulsively and blindly, to make the self right and others wrong, or by projecting, to make the self wrong and others right:

It is essential that the person be loved or approved by everyone he or she knows.

This is irrational because it is an unobtainable goal, and if the person strives for it, the person becomes less self-directed and more insecure and unhappy. Even those who basically like you, will be turned off by some behaviors and qualities. The rational person does not sacrifice his or her own interests and desires in order to be admired, but rather strives to express them, with outflowing creativity.

A person must be perfectly competent, adequate and achieving to be worthwhile.

This again is an impossibility, and to strive compulsively for it results in a constant fear of failure, and paralysis at attempting anything. Perfectionist standards quickly alienate partner and friends. The rational individual strives to be fully alive: to do well for his or her own sake rather than to be better than others, to enjoy an activity rather than to engage in it solely for the results, and to learn rather than to try to be perfect.

People who do wrong must be bad.

"Wrong" or "immoral" acts are the result of stupidity, ignorance or emotional disturbance. All people are fallible and make mistakes. Blame and punishment do not usually result in a less stupid, better informed and less neurotic personality. If a rational person makes a mistake, he or she accepts that it happened and attempts to understand the cause of the behavior, and does not let it become a catastrophe. He accepts responsibility and learns what the mistake can teach him. He does not seek to justify or blame. At the same time, behavior and ethics can and must be judged, if law and order are to prevail.

It's unacceptable if things aren't the way I want them to be.

This is the spoilt-child syndrome. As soon as the tire goes flat the awfulizing self-talk starts: "Why has this happened to me? I can't take this!" The result is intense irritation and stress. The rational person avoids exaggerating unpleasant situations and works at improving them, or accepting them if they cannot be improved.

Unhappiness is caused by external circumstances.

When someone is unkind, rejecting, annoying, etc., this is considered the cause of unhappiness. Ascribing unhappiness to events is a way of avoiding reality. In practice, unhappiness comes largely from within, from self-statements interpreting the events. While you have only limited control over others, you are capable of enormous control over your emotive evaluations. Many believe they have no control over their feelings and that they are helpless; the truth is that we can control how we interpret and emotionally respond to each life event.

Anything that is unknown or uncertain is cause for great concern.

Fear or anxiety in the face of uncertainty, imagining a scenario of catastrophe, makes coping more difficult and adds to distress if things do turn out to be threatening. Saving the fear-response for actual, perceived danger allows you to enjoy uncertainty as a novel stimulation, or exciting experience - all part of the game of life.

It's easier to avoid life's difficulties and responsibilities than to face them.

This is irrational because avoiding a task is often more difficult than performing it and leads to later complications and problems, and probably loss of self-confidence. An easy life is not necessarily a happy one; on the contrary, a challenging, responsible, achieving life is an enjoyable one. Life is not necessarily "fair"; pain and suffering are an inevitable part of human life, accompanying tough, healthy decisions and the process of growth.

You need someone stronger than yourself to rely on.

Dependency results in loss of individuality and self-expression. Your independent judgment and awareness of your particular needs are undermined by a reliance on a higher authority. This propitiative attitude leads to insecurity as the person is at the mercy of the other's whim. This is dramatized in the need for a guru or religious father figure.
The rational person does not refuse to seek or accept help when necessary but strives for independence and responsibility, recognizing that risks, while possibly resulting in failures, are worth taking and that failure itself is not a catastrophe.

Good relationships are based on mutual sacrifice and a focus on giving.

This belief rests on the assumption that it is better to give than to receive, that it is bad or wrong to be selfish, or that one does not deserve fulfillment. It is expressed in a reluctance to ask for things, and the assumption that your hidden needs will somehow be divined and provided for. Unfortunately, constant self-denial results in bitterness and withdrawal. The truth is that no one knows your needs and wants better than you, and no one else has a greater interest in seeing them fulfilled. Your happiness is your responsibility.

The influence of the past cannot be eradicated.

The presumed influence of the past may be used as an excuse for avoiding changing behavior. Just because you were once strongly affected by something does not mean that you must continue the behavior patterns you formed to cope with the original situation. Those old patterns and ways of responding are just decisions made and dramatized so many times that they have become automatic. You can identify those old decisions, solutions that seemed valid at the time, and start changing them right now. You can learn from past experience but you don't have to be the effect of it.

Other peoples' problems and upsets are disturbing.

Feeling responsible for others' hardships implies that you have power to control them and the duty to do so. This is an imposition on the others' freedom to experience and control their own lives and feelings, and their freedom to learn from their own mistakes. If requested to do so, the rational person will attempt to help in a way that will improve the situation and preserve the other's self-determinism. If nothing useful can be done, he excepts that as the reality of the situation. By being too protective over other peoples' feelings (because"people are fragile and should never be hurt"), relationships
become full of dead space, where conflicts develop but nothing is said. Honest communication of current feelings need not be taken as an attack upon the personal worth and security of others.

There is always a "right" or "perfect" solution to every problem.

This is obviously not necessarily the case but the insistence on finding one leads to anxiety, panic and often dissatisfaction.

A problem can be looked upon as a worry or as a challenge (at which point it is no longer really a problem). The obvious solution may require a confront that restimulates fear (the real problem) resulting in worry. The "perfect solution" is then one which avoids facing up to the challenge. It is more rational to attempt to find various possible solutions to the problem and accept the most feasible one, doing one's best to carry it out effectively and facing up to what has to be confronted.

An accompanying belief is that there is "perfect love" and a perfect relationship. This is expecting people to be infallible and is unrealistic. Subscribers to this belief often feel resentful of one relationship after another - no one matches their expectations.

When people disapprove of you, it means you are wrong or bad.

You may have done something wrong or bad, and this should be taken note of and if necessary, corrected. But preventing this objective viewpoint is the fear of disapproval, which sparks chronic anxiety in most interpersonal situations. The irrationality is contained in the imagined generalization of one specific fault or unattractive feature, to a total indictment of self. It is a by-product of low self-esteem (based on a lack of self-acceptance) and the belief that if you don't please others, they will abandon or reject you. You usually run less risk of rejection if you offer others your true unblemished self.
They can either take it or leave it, but if they respond to the real you, you don't have to worry about letting down your guard and being rejected later.

These fallacious ideas are almost universal in our society, unwittingly installed from earliest childhood from parental and other authoritative influences. They are frequently accompanied by traumatic circumstances that empower their imprinting in the mind, and this results in their repression, so that the source of such beliefs becomes hidden and unknown.

When they have been accepted and re-enforced by continual self-indoctrination, throughout life, they lead to emotional disturbance or neurosis, since they cannot be lived up to. People become inhibited, hostile, defensive, guilty, ineffective, inert, afraid and unhappy. All dissatisfaction in life is because individuals cannot life up to their installed unreasonable "shoulds", "oughts" and "musts".