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Why Your Husband, Wife, Boyfriend, Girlfriend Cheats
Unfortunately, there is not one simple answer that addresses why all people who get involved in affairs do so ...
For most people in a healthy relationship, a commitment means no cheating on your partner, EVER. But statistics say that 70 percent of couples have been affected by extramarital affairs. About two in five adults in monogamous relationships, or 22 percent, have cheated on their current partner.
The rate is even higher among married men. And nearly half of people polled, admit to being unfaithful at some point in their lives
Sharing years together, exchanging wedding vows, even having children together doesn’t protect a couple from one or the other partner cheating. In fact, married folks with kids — including women with very young children — are nearly as likely to commit adultery as childless couples.
Ninety-nine percent of the time, there's a simple reason why men and women cheat while in a committed relationship. Below are proven strategies for surviving the crisis of infidelity, affairs & cheating and rebuilding the relationship.
Reasons Why Cheaters Cheat: Why Men Cheat, Why Women Cheat & Have Affairs
Why Cheaters Cheat & The Reasons for Cheating
People are complex and engage in infidelity for different reasons.
When we talk about the “reasons” the affair happened, it might seem as
though the affair were inevitable or somehow a justifiable course of
action. I don’t want to give you that impression. As such, it might be
better to think of these as themes for the justification of the affair,
rather than the “reason” it happened. Here are a few themes that seem to
come up again and again:
If you are in a great relationship and want to ensure that your man or woman, whether she's your wife or simply your girlfriend, doesn't stray into another man's arms, then make sure that you don't commit any of the following:
» Some people cheat because they aren’t getting their needs met inside their relationships. They are under the deluded notion that going outside their relationships is a legitimate answer. It isn’t.
» In some cases, people cheat because they have never learned to honor boundaries. They know the boundaries are there, but they have little hesitation about stepping over them.
» Some people are thrill seekers who just can’t pass up the opportunity to get a thrill. The very fact that these people are doing something that is taboo compels them to engage in the affair.
» Similarly, some men think that they are not a real man if they turn down a sexual invitation from someone attractive.
» Some people have low self-esteem, and they get a sense of self-worth through finding people who care about them.
» In some cases, people have sexual fetishes that their partners have problems with, so they go outside their relationships in order to fulfill these sexual desires.
» A very common theme is that people cheat because their partners no longer make them feel special. These people go outside their relationships thinking that another person might fill this gap.
Reasons Why Your Cheating Husband, Wife, Boyfriend, Girlfriend Cheats
Why Cheaters Cheat And What To Do About It
Whatever the underlying reasons, cheaters cheat because they have the
mistaken notion that going outside their relationships will solve their
problems or fulfill some aspects of their characters.
Some people have a defective sense of commitment. (I most commonly see this in men.) They might expect themselves to be totally honest in other situations, but feel they don’t have to be when it comes to women. Although they usually vehemently deny it at first, these men have a denigrating view of women, putting them in a second-class position.
I am assuming that the men reading this book are much less likely to
be in this group because you are devoting this time and energy to
repairing your relationship, which requires equitability between you and
your partner. In the end, the reason why cheaters cheat is not of
paramount importance. You can ask why they did what they did until
you’re blue in the face, and each scenario could present a different
The typical reason it is so important to the injured person to find out why the affair happened is based on the mistaken notion that if you want to stop or change a behavior, you have to know what triggered the behavior in the first place. If you don’t know why it happened, the thinking goes, you can’t stop it from happening again.
Unfortunately, if you try to find out why the affair happened, the
best you will probably get is some kind of justification for why it
started, or perhaps a list of factors that are built to make the
infidelity seem like less of a crime than it is.
More importantly, you don’t have to know why an action happened to keep it from happening again. In some cases, exploring what went into the cheater’s choice to cheat can help protect them against the possibility of cheating again, but this isn’t universally the case, and it isn’t what is going to keep your partner from cheating in the future.
That will take hard work and commitment. Neither you nor your partner needs to investigate what lead to the affair to recommit to being faithful to each other. What is important is that both of you want to heal your relationship and are ready to do the work necessary to achieve that objective. The techniques this book is founded on will help you restore your relationship regardless of why the cheating partner decided to have an affair.
It is time to let this question go. Recognize that there may be reasons that this happened, but that figuring out the reasons doesn’t take you that much closer to rebuilding your relationship together. What will move you in that direction is figuring out what you need in this relationship, how those needs have been neglected, and how your needs interface with your partner’s needs.
The Seven Emotional Trials the Cheater Will Face
Once the affair is out in the open, there are seven emotions that you will undoubtedly grapple with. What follows is a brief discussion of each of them.
Emotional Trial #1: Guilt
If you have been cheating on your partner, it is likely you have been struggling with guilt for some time. For most people who engage in affairs, the sense of guilt begins well before the injured partner learns about the affair. It may be that you have been coping with guilt since you initially had thoughts of taking that first step over the line of propriety.
Guilt comes up for the cheater for a number of reasons. If you have established a set of rules for yourself about being faithful to your partner and your relationship, then having an affair is bound to make you feel guilty. The most obvious is that you are betraying the trust of another person whom you care about very deeply. This in itself generates a great deal of guilt.
Emotional Trial #2: Shame
Shame goes hand-in-hand with guilt; however, they are distinct in a number of ways. While guilt is a way that your unconscious helps you judge your own actions against your personal beliefs about right and wrong, shame is predicated on expectations that we have about our social environment. Shame is the disgrace you feel in front of others – people in your real life, people from your past (in your imagination), or imagined “others” – when you have engaged in an act that is seen as unacceptable. There are many things to feel ashamed about when you have cheated on your partner.
Emotional Trial #3: Fear
If you feel afraid of losing the person you love and the life you’ve worked so hard to build, there is no wonder as to why. This, also, is a natural feeling for someone who has committed infidelity. This is a well-founded, rational fear. However, I hope that with the help of this book and your commitment and follow-through to do the hard work required that your fear will prove to be one that is unwarranted.
Emotional Trial #4: Anger
Anger is as natural a feeling for the cheater as it is for the injured. You are likely angry with yourself for having gotten involved in an affair to begin with. What’s more, you may be angry at yourself for having the emotional responses to the affair that you do. You may feel like you don’t deserve to have these feelings, and this gets turned into anger.
Emotional Trial #5: Hopelessness
You are probably worried that your relationship is damaged beyond repair. If you are trying to rebuild your relationship and you feel like it is damaged beyond repair, you are likely to feel hopeless. When you experience hopelessness, take heart. Look for the small improvements that you see day-by-day in the relationship. Use the program in this book, and move forward to a better-than-ever relationship. If you don’t, you won’t ever get there. Small steps add up to large improvements.
Emotional Trial #6: Condemned
You could reach a place where you feel as though you can never
be forgiven. This worry often extends beyond the need for forgiveness
from your partner. Some people feel as though they can’t be forgiven
long after their partner has already forgiven them. Be compassionate
with yourself. You are human after all. If you don’t, your relationship
will feel the brunt of it.
Emotional Trial #7: Loneliness
Being the cheater in a relationship that you are trying to repair can
be a very lonely place to be. At this point your partner might not be
engaged in your relationship in an emotionally supportive way. As such,
it is likely that you are feeling pretty emotionally disconnected from
your partner right now. That kind of emotional isolation can be hard to
cope with, particularly when you are maintaining the secret of your
Be mindful of whom you choose to talk to. Make sure that they will be able to listen to you compassionately without holding long-term grudges against your partner.
Why Cheaters Cheat: Free Email Course!
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how to restore the trust back into your relationship.
How to start the healing process after an affair
How to cope with initial trauma of the affair
How to take control of your emotions and stay sane
How to get the images out of your mind
How to talk about the details of the affair
Why the affair happened and how to prevent it from happening again
Steps for restoring the trust back into the relationship
Rebuild your self-esteem
Why you don’t need to forgive
10 things you must do TODAY
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Most studies indicate that if you go it alone, it takes 2 - 4 years to work through and resolve the affair, whether you stay married or not. Yes, you read that right. But, you want the agony to end today or yesterday, don't you? Well, it won't…and there are no magic wands to make that happen. But, and this is a huge but, it NEED NOT take 2-4 years.
Help yourself break free. Find relief. Sign up above for your totally free course. Begin to make sense of the affair. Know what you must and can do to turn this around. Learn how to move through this agony quickly. A better life waits for you.
These courses (above) will help you survive after the affair:
Get through this faster! Gain confidence. Clear the fog of confusion and diminish the pain.
Have the crazy days, sleepless nights, absent appetite and queasy stomach fade.
Find the strength and courage you never thought you had. Exude a new power. He will notice and it will shake his world.
Know in your heart that the affair is not your fault. No more self-blame and self-loathing. (You really did your best, you know)
Know exactly why he had the affair. You will know him better than he knows himself.
In the next 6 months turn this disaster into a new opportunity.
Melt your rage and hurt into understanding and eventually compassion.
Become an expert in affairs. Outsmart him and the OP.
Be tough AND patient and understanding.
Eyeball him and he will be the first to blink.
Surprise yourself and partner with your newfound wisdom and insight.
Have a REAL chance to stop the affair.
Say the right words that shake your partner to the bone so he stops to truly consider the folly of the affair.
FREE Report: Discover Exactly What You Need to Do and Say to Save your Relationship Immediately after the Affair
Read this FREE report and discover the 21 most-effective steps marriage counselors are using to give couples improved odds at ending the affair, rebuilding the honesty and wiping the slate clean to build a ‘better than ever marriage or relationship.
There is nothing quite like the pain and shock caused when a partner has
been unfaithful. The hurt partner often experiences a profound loss of
self-respect and falls into a depression that can last for years.
Cheating whilst in a relationship is probably the most hurtful thing one can do to their significant other. It ends up not only hurting the ego; it can make someone feel very insecure about themselves. Both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive
Assuming that the affair is definitely over and that both partners want to continue their relationship -- and that’s often a big "If" in these situations -- their first priority should be the restoration of trust. While the person who had the affair is held accountable for his or her behavior, relationship counseling provides a safe, confidential, and balanced environment in which everyone works together to explore and rebuild the relationship.
Discover how to survive an affair and save your marriage or relationship by ending the pain, healing the wounds and restoring the trust, even if you are the only one who wants to and before it's too late ... Having to face an affair in your relationship or marriage can be extremely confusing ... just getting from one day to the next can be an incredible chore.
And although there are certain attributes in relationships that may give someone the need to find sexual affection and gratification elsewhere, cheating usually results from a dissatisfaction of sorts. Right now, you are probably feeling as though someone has either punched you in the stomach or stabbed you in the back -- or even both.
At the end of the day, we all just want to be with someone who loves us -- someone who makes us happy, makes us feel needed, gives us the attention we deserve and someone who we can trust without having to think twice.
And that's not too much to ask for -- it's something we all deserve.
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Free Help & Advice about Infidelity, Affairs & Cheating
- Saving Your Marriage With Trust and Love - Saving Your Marriage is a step-by-step program designed to stop a break up or divorce and save relationships. This is an excellent alternative to relationship counseling because it helps the couple learn what's broken in their relationship and then shows them how to fix it.
- How To Survive The Affair - How to Survive an Affair helps a couple work through a 3-phase healing plan designed to rebuild the trust and honesty back into the marriage. Program workbook along with bonus programs.
- How To Forgive When You've been Betrayed - Learn how to forgive and work through the past. This workbook teaches couples to understand the true principles of forgiveness.
- How To Communicate With Emotionally Distant Men - Why do men get distant? Emotionally distant men don't communicate. Why do men hide their feelings? Learn about men who hide their feelings, why men get distant, how to communicate with emotionally distant men, and what to do when men become emotionally distant and hide there feelings. Free help communicating with an emotionally distant man..
- Why Men Withdraw And What To Do About It - Men who withdraw and why men withdraw. Learn why men withdraw in a relationship, how men withdraw themselves from a relationship, men who are afraid of love, and what to do about it when they close up.
- Why Men Leave Women - Reasons men leave women. Learn why men leave women when the honeymoon is over, and what to do about it. There are many reasons why men leave relationships or cannot settle down with the woman they're with. Learn what they are and how to stop him from leaving you..
- [book] How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful - While trying to cope with the pain of knowing that their partners have cheated, victims of infidelity have to wrestle with two big questions: whether to stay in the relationship and, if they do stay, how to best prevent experiencing this kind of hurt ever again. In this book, two relationship experts offer readers a new way of understanding the causes and types of infidelity and innovative new ways to "affair-proof" recovered or new relationships.
- [book] Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart - Whether you want to end the relationship or piece things back together, Getting Past the Affair guides you through the initial trauma so you can understand what happened and why before deciding how to move forward. Based on the only program that’s been tested--and proven--to relieve destructive emotions in the wake of infidelity, this compassionate book offers support and expert advice from a team of award-winning couple therapists.
- [book] My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me - This book makes a wonderful contribution to the growing willingness of couples to "break the code of silence" and share their experience with affairs in order to help others. It offers clear insight into the pain involved as well as great hope for the power to recover and rebuild the marriage. Peggy Vaughan, author of "The Monogamy Myth" and Host of www.dearpeggy.com
- [book] Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity - This is the most comprehensive book on affairs that I have ever read and the only one that completely reflects the reality of affairs. No matter how many other books you have read on this subject, read this one. It is absolutely wonderful!
- [book] After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful - For married or cohabiting couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner had had an affair, this tough-minded, insightful manual will be eminently practical. Clinical psychologist Spring, writing with her husband, draws on 20 years of experience treating distressed couples as she explains how both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive.
- [book] When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships - When Good People Have Affairs will be a lifeline to any man or woman who feels caught between two lovers, and its insights are indispensable to anyone else touched by an affair. A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of people caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair rocks their emotional lives.
- [book] Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-Proof Your Marriage - While trying to cope with the pain of knowing that their partners have cheated, victims of infidelity have to wrestle with two big questions: whether to stay in the relationship and, if they do stay, how to best prevent experiencing this kind of hurt ever again. In this book, two relationship experts offer readers a new way of understanding the causes and types of infidelity and innovative new ways to "affair-proof" recovered or new relationships.