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Reasons Why Men, Women, Cheaters, CHEAT & Have Affairs

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The Reasons Cheaters Cheat

by:  Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Unfortunately, there is not one simple answer that addresses why all people who get involved in affairs do so. People are complex and engage in infidelity for different reasons. When we talk about the “reasons” the affair happened, it might seem as though the affair were inevitable or somehow a justifiable course of action. I don’t want to give you that impression. As such, it might be better to think of these as themes for the justification of the affair, rather than the “reason” it happened. Here are a few themes that seem to come up again and again:

» Some people cheat because they aren’t getting their needs met inside their relationships. They are under the deluded notion that going outside their relationships is a legitimate answer. It isn’t.

» In some cases, people cheat because they have never learned to honor boundaries. They know the boundaries are there, but they have little hesitation about stepping over them.

» Some people are thrill seekers who just can’t pass up the opportunity to get a thrill. The very fact that these people are doing something that is taboo compels them to engage in the affair.

» Similarly, some men think that they are not a real man if they turn down a sexual invitation from someone attractive.

» Some people have low self-esteem, and they get a sense of self-worth through finding people who care about them.

» In some cases, people have sexual fetishes that their partners have problems with, so they go outside their relationships in order to fulfill these sexual desires.

» A very common theme is that people cheat because their partners no longer make them feel special. These people go outside their relationships thinking that another person might fill this gap.

Whatever the underlying reasons, cheaters cheat because they have the mistaken notion that going outside their relationships will solve their problems or fulfill some aspects of their characters.

Some people have a defective sense of commitment. (I most commonly see this in men.) They might expect themselves to be totally honest in other situations, but feel they don’t have to be when it comes to women. Although they usually vehemently deny it at first, these men have a denigrating view of women, putting them in a second-class position. I am assuming that the men reading this book are much less likely to be in this group because you are devoting this time and energy to repairing your relationship, which requires equitability between you and your partner. In the end, the reason why cheaters cheat is not of paramount importance. You can ask why they did what they did until you’re blue in the face, and each scenario could present a different answer.

The typical reason it is so important to the injured person to find out why the affair happened is based on the mistaken notion that if you want to stop or change a behavior, you have to know what triggered the behavior in the first place. If you don’t know why it happened, the thinking goes, you can’t stop it from happening again. Unfortunately, if you try to find out why the affair happened, the best you will probably get is some kind of justification for why it started, or perhaps a list of factors that are built to make the infidelity seem like less of a crime than it is.

More importantly, you don’t have to know why an action happened to keep it from happening again. In some cases, exploring what went into the cheater’s choice to cheat can help protect them against the possibility of cheating again, but this isn’t universally the case, and it isn’t what is going to keep your partner from cheating in the future. That will take hard work and commitment. Neither you nor your partner needs to investigate what lead to the affair to recommit to being faithful to each other. What is important is that both of you want to heal your relationship and are ready to do the work necessary to achieve that objective. The techniques this book is founded on will help you restore your relationship regardless of why the cheating partner decided to have an affair.

It is time to let this question go. Recognize that there may be reasons that this happened, but that figuring out the reasons doesn’t take you that much closer to rebuilding your relationship together. What will move you in that direction is figuring out what you need in this relationship, how those needs have been neglected, and how your needs interface with your partner’s needs.

The Seven Emotional Trials the Cheater Will Face

Once the affair is out in the open, there are seven emotions that you will undoubtedly grapple with. What follows is a brief discussion of each of them.

Emotional Trial #1: Guilt

If you have been cheating on your partner, it is likely you have been struggling with guilt for some time. For most people who engage in affairs, the sense of guilt begins well before the injured partner learns about the affair. It may be that you have been coping with guilt since you initially had thoughts of taking that first step over the line of propriety. Guilt comes up for the cheater for a number of reasons. If you have established a set of rules for yourself about being faithful to your partner and your relationship, then having an affair is bound to make you feel guilty. The most obvious is that you are betraying the trust of another person whom you care about very deeply. This in itself generates a great deal of guilt.

Emotional Trial #2: Shame

Shame goes hand-in-hand with guilt; however, they are distinct in a number of ways. While guilt is a way that your unconscious helps you judge your own actions against your personal beliefs about right and wrong, shame is predicated on expectations that we have about our social environment. Shame is the disgrace you feel in front of others – people in your real life, people from your past (in your imagination), or imagined “others” – when you have engaged in an act that is seen as unacceptable. There are many things to feel ashamed about when you have cheated on your partner.

Emotional Trial #3: Fear

If you feel afraid of losing the person you love and the life you’ve worked so hard to build, there is no wonder as to why. This, also, is a natural feeling for someone who has committed infidelity. This is a well-founded, rational fear. However, I hope that with the help of this book and your commitment and follow-through to do the hard work required that your fear will prove to be one that is unwarranted.

Emotional Trial #4: Anger

Anger is as natural a feeling for the cheater as it is for the injured. You are likely angry with yourself for having gotten involved in an affair to begin with. What’s more, you may be angry at yourself for having the emotional responses to the affair that you do. You may feel like you don’t deserve to have these feelings, and this gets turned into anger.

Emotional Trial #5: Hopelessness

You are probably worried that your relationship is damaged beyond repair. If you are trying to rebuild your relationship and you feel like it is damaged beyond repair, you are likely to feel hopeless. When you experience hopelessness, take heart. Look for the small improvements that you see day-by-day in the relationship. Use the program in this book, and move forward to a better-than-ever relationship. If you don’t, you won’t ever get there. Small steps add up to large improvements.

Emotional Trial #6: Condemned

You could reach a place where you feel as though you can never be forgiven. This worry often extends beyond the need for forgiveness from your partner. Some people feel as though they can’t be forgiven long after their partner has already forgiven them.Be compassionate with yourself. You are human after all. If you don’t, your relationship will feel the brunt of it.

Emotional Trial #7: Loneliness

Being the cheater in a relationship that you are trying to repair can be a very lonely place to be. At this point your partner might not be engaged in your relationship in an emotionally supportive way. As such, it is likely that you are feeling pretty emotionally disconnected from your partner right now. That kind of emotional isolation can be hard to cope with, particularly when you are maintaining the secret of your affair.

Be mindful of whom you choose to talk to. Make sure that they will be able to listen to you compassionately without holding long-term grudges against your partner.
 

If you would like to know more about restoring the trust back into your relationship after an affair, please check out Dr. Frank Gunzburg's free 7-step course below.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years. He is also the author of How to Survive an Affair, a step-by-step healing system that can help a couple repair their relationship after it has been shattered from an affair.  If your relationship has been damaged by an affair and you would like a step-by-step system for repairing your relationship, then please visit Dr. Gunzburg's site for more information: http://www.surviveanaffair.com

Restoring Trust After The Affair Is Possible - A step-by-step system for saving your relationship after it's been shattered by an affair. Tormented by your unanswered questions? Devastated after having your complete self-worth sabotaged? Work through the healing and restoration of your relationship after an affair. Learn how to restore the honesty, safety and trust back into your relationship (even if your partner isn't yet willing).

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