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How To Save A Relationship After Cheating
Facing the challenges of rebuilding your relationship after an affair, infidelity, or cheating? ...
Is your relationship suffering because of an affair? Surviving infidelity and saving your relationship is possible! You CAN save your relationship after an affair. Below you will learn how to save a relationship after cheating, how to rebuild your relationship after an affair, how to face the challenges of forgiving after infidelity, managing guilt, disappointment, anger, vengefulness, fear, and frustration.
Eight Heart-Wrenching Emotions You Will Face
Almost everyone faces these eight emotions when they find out about
an affair. If you think you aren’t feeling one of them, I encourage you
to look very closely at yourself and make sure it isn’t there.
Once you have fully examined the emotion, if you find you aren’t feeling it at all, that’s fine. Simply move on to the next emotion and look at that one. However, if you get to the bottom of the list and you think you are only feeling one or two of the eight emotions discussed, you could be in a bit of denial. I know this hurts, but you’ll move on more successfully after you face your own turmoil and pain.
This is the big one. I doubt that you would have picked up this book if you weren’t feeling this. Betrayal is the sense that someone has intentionally taken advantage of your trust. Betrayal is at the very root of infidelity. It is what causes many of the other emotional problems that come up when you find out your partner has cheated on you.
Many people feel guilty when they find out about an affair. On some level they think that the affair is their fault. They might think, “If only I had been a better partner, this would never have happened.”
No matter what kind of partner you were, or are, you did not choose to have an affair and take advantage of the trust that was established between the two of you. You did not choose for the other person to hurt you.
When you have spent years building a life with another person and they come home and tell you that they have cheated on you, you are bound to feel disappointed. You will likely feel disappointed in them. But you might also feel disappointed in yourself, in men or women (depending on the cheater’s gender), in humankind as a whole, or even in life itself.
These reactions are normal. But be careful not to let your feelings slide into the despair of hopelessness. If you do that, you’re going to hit the roadblock we talked about above.
Anger is the fraternal twin of betrayal. They go hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm. When you feel betrayed, you almost immediately feel angry. If you are feeling a sense of betrayal and you aren’t feeling any anger, look to see if you aren’t hiding something from yourself.
Think about and answer these questions: What makes you so angry about the affair? What are some of the angry scenarios you dream about? What are the particular concepts about the affair that anger you? Are your angry feelings related to other experiences in your personal history? How do you feel your anger in your body? How do you express your anger?
This emotion is usually associated with anger. Many people want to
take revenge on the cheater, on the person the cheater was involved
with, or both. They envision hurting the cheater as much as they have
Instead of actually enacting your vengeful fantasies, try writing about them. What kinds of vengeful fantasies do you have?
What would you hope for out of the vengeance? What does this reveal to you about the way you feel in this situation? How do you experience the vengeful feeling in your body?
Were there other times or places when you had these feelings? How do these earlier experiences (if there were any) impact your current feelings?
When you find out your partner has had an affair, there are so many things to fear. You might be afraid that the life you once knew is over. You might be afraid that you will never be able to repair your relationship. You might be afraid that they will do it again.
There is no question that having someone cheat on you can cause
frustration. You likely will be frustrated with the cheater, frustrated
with the person they cheated with, frustrated with yourself, and
frustrated with the whole world. After all, something has been done to
you and to your relationship that was and is out of your purview.
This feeling of frustration is often compounded by the fact that you now have to cope with so many painful thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it might feel like you are heaping frustration upon frustration.
I use the term “paranoid feelings” here to mean feelings that include suspiciousness. I am not using “paranoid” in the technical or diagnostic sense. Paranoid here is meant to indicate a deep fear that someone or something is out to get you or is engaging in some activity that will cause you pain behind your back. It is quite easy to see why the injured person in an affair situation might feel paranoid.
Paranoid feelings can be destructive to your peace of mind if taken too far. But a bit of suspicion or, perhaps, skepticism isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You deserve to have the cheater prove to you that they are not carrying on with the affair and will not get involved in another one. Be suspicious enough to get that need met. If you don’t, developing trust will be that much more difficult.
Facing the Challenges of Rebuilding Your Relationship
saving a relationship after cheating
Now that we have looked at some of the common emotions you probably are facing, it is time to learn how to cope with those emotions in healthy and helpful ways.
Your experience with guilt is going to be different than your partner’s experience with it. The injured person’s experience of guilt (if there is one at all) usually comes from an ill-founded sense that they are somehow responsible for the affair. This is not the case, and I have tried to help them realize that this is not the case throughout the previous two sections of the book.
You are responsible for the affair. Even if your partner was horrible to you, you are still the one who chose to have an affair. That means that the guilt you are feeling actually is justified and should be part of your experience as you heal.
The good thing about guilt is that it shows you care, and it gives you a good road sign so you know you’ve done something wrong. Problems develop when guilt is taken to extremes and people get so bogged down in it that they feel constantly tormented. This is problematic because it doesn’t serve anything, and it can get in the way of the healing process.
Learning how to forgive yourself and be compassionate with yourself is difficult for most people. We all expect so much out of ourselves that we don’t allow much space for this type of self-care. Self-forgiveness is especially difficult when you have done something wrong, and in the process, hurt people that you care about, as is the case with an affair.
You don’t want to forgive yourself so quickly and so easily that you minimize what you did. Your feelings of guilt exist for a reason. Don’t try and forgive yourself so that you can get this difficult period over with. That isn’t helpful either. You can’t get away with saying, “I’m sorry for what I did, now let’s move on and forget about it.” This attitude of quickly moving on minimizes and discounts your partner’s feelings.
Coping with Loneliness
Both partners are bound to feel lonely when they are confronted with an affair, but the cheater often feels greater loneliness than the injured because they are often removed from more of the people they once relied on for human contact and support. This includes their partner, the person they were having the affair with, and, in some cases, friends and family.learn more
I recommended that you get in touch with the people who care about you for support, but that you not to go to your friends as the constant sad sack.
One thing to be aware of when engaging with other people is that you make sure that your partner knows what you are doing, that you aren’t with the person you were involved with or anyone else who could remotely be a threat to your relationship, and when you are coming home.
In addition, you don’t want to use these opportunities as a way to engage in more illicit behavior. Do not take someone out to lunch that you are attracted to or who is attracted to you. Better still, avoid meeting one-on-one with anyone of your preferred gender. That isn’t a solution; it just compounds the problem. Know yourself. Watch yourself. And give yourself what you need, within very safe bounds.
Most studies indicate that if you go it alone, it takes 2 - 4 years to work through and resolve the affair, whether you stay married or not. Yes, you read that right. But, you want the agony to end today or yesterday, don't you? Well, it won't…and there are no magic wands to make that happen. But, and this is a huge but, it NEED NOT take 2-4 years.
Help yourself break free. Find relief. Sign up above for your totally free course. Begin to make sense of the affair. Know what you must and can do to turn this around. Learn how to move through this agony quickly. A better life waits for you.
FREE Report: Discover Exactly What You Need to Do and Say to Save your Relationship Immediately after the Affair
Read this FREE report and discover the 21 most-effective steps marriage counselors are using to give couples improved odds at ending the affair, rebuilding the honesty and wiping the slate clean to build a ‘better than ever marriage or relationship.
There is nothing quite like the pain and shock caused when a partner has
been unfaithful. The hurt partner often experiences a profound loss of
self-respect and falls into a depression that can last for years.
Cheating whilst in a relationship is probably the most hurtful thing one can do to their significant other. It ends up not only hurting the ego; it can make someone feel very insecure about themselves. Both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive
Assuming that the affair is definitely over and that both partners want to continue their relationship -- and that’s often a big "If" in these situations -- their first priority should be the restoration of trust. While the person who had the affair is held accountable for his or her behavior, relationship counseling provides a safe, confidential, and balanced environment in which everyone works together to explore and rebuild the relationship.
Discover how to survive an affair and save your marriage or relationship by ending the pain, healing the wounds and restoring the trust, even if you are the only one who wants to and before it's too late ... Having to face an affair in your relationship or marriage can be extremely confusing ... just getting from one day to the next can be an incredible chore.
And although there are certain attributes in relationships that may give someone the need to find sexual affection and gratification elsewhere, cheating usually results from a dissatisfaction of sorts. Right now, you are probably feeling as though someone has either punched you in the stomach or stabbed you in the back -- or even both.
At the end of the day, we all just want to be with someone who loves us -- someone who makes us happy, makes us feel needed, gives us the attention we deserve and someone who we can trust without having to think twice.
And that's not too much to ask for -- it's something we all deserve.
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Free Help & Advice about Infidelity, Affairs & Cheating
- Saving Your Marriage With Trust and Love - Saving Your Marriage is a step-by-step program designed to stop a break up or divorce and save relationships. This is an excellent alternative to relationship counseling because it helps the couple learn what's broken in their relationship and then shows them how to fix it.
- How To Survive The Affair - How to Survive an Affair helps a couple work through a 3-phase healing plan designed to rebuild the trust and honesty back into the marriage. Program workbook along with bonus programs.
- How To Forgive When You've been Betrayed - Learn how to forgive and work through the past. This workbook teaches couples to understand the true principles of forgiveness.
- How To Communicate With Emotionally Distant Men - Why do men get distant? Emotionally distant men don't communicate. Why do men hide their feelings? Learn about men who hide their feelings, why men get distant, how to communicate with emotionally distant men, and what to do when men become emotionally distant and hide there feelings. Free help communicating with an emotionally distant man..
- Why Men Withdraw And What To Do About It - Men who withdraw and why men withdraw. Learn why men withdraw in a relationship, how men withdraw themselves from a relationship, men who are afraid of love, and what to do about it when they close up.
- Why Men Leave Women - Reasons men leave women. Learn why men leave women when the honeymoon is over, and what to do about it. There are many reasons why men leave relationships or cannot settle down with the woman they're with. Learn what they are and how to stop him from leaving you..
- [book] How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful - While trying to cope with the pain of knowing that their partners have cheated, victims of infidelity have to wrestle with two big questions: whether to stay in the relationship and, if they do stay, how to best prevent experiencing this kind of hurt ever again. In this book, two relationship experts offer readers a new way of understanding the causes and types of infidelity and innovative new ways to "affair-proof" recovered or new relationships.
- [book] Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart - Whether you want to end the relationship or piece things back together, Getting Past the Affair guides you through the initial trauma so you can understand what happened and why before deciding how to move forward. Based on the only program that’s been tested--and proven--to relieve destructive emotions in the wake of infidelity, this compassionate book offers support and expert advice from a team of award-winning couple therapists.
- [book] My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me - This book makes a wonderful contribution to the growing willingness of couples to "break the code of silence" and share their experience with affairs in order to help others. It offers clear insight into the pain involved as well as great hope for the power to recover and rebuild the marriage. Peggy Vaughan, author of "The Monogamy Myth" and Host of www.dearpeggy.com
- [book] Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity - This is the most comprehensive book on affairs that I have ever read and the only one that completely reflects the reality of affairs. No matter how many other books you have read on this subject, read this one. It is absolutely wonderful!
- [book] After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful - For married or cohabiting couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner had had an affair, this tough-minded, insightful manual will be eminently practical. Clinical psychologist Spring, writing with her husband, draws on 20 years of experience treating distressed couples as she explains how both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive.
- [book] When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships - When Good People Have Affairs will be a lifeline to any man or woman who feels caught between two lovers, and its insights are indispensable to anyone else touched by an affair. A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of people caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair rocks their emotional lives.
- [book] Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-Proof Your Marriage - While trying to cope with the pain of knowing that their partners have cheated, victims of infidelity have to wrestle with two big questions: whether to stay in the relationship and, if they do stay, how to best prevent experiencing this kind of hurt ever again. In this book, two relationship experts offer readers a new way of understanding the causes and types of infidelity and innovative new ways to "affair-proof" recovered or new relationships.