“I saw how much human life hurts people. It was not a normal intellectual understanding like, say, commiserating with the misfortunes of others. It was a very deep inner knowing that elicited a lot of natural compassion. I saw how life is so scary for people, and I perceived the sheer amount of pain they have to cover up day by day just to make it through. It’s the resistance that hurts them the most. Fear forces them to stiffen, and in the stiffening, they take a lot of scary blows.
The other thing I saw was the loneliness these individuals suffered by being separated from each other and separate from life. The distance they had to establish between themselves and others in order to sustain the ego’s image, and so deal with the pain of life, caused them even more pain. The illusion really hurt them, and through the illusion, they cut themselves off – not only from each other, but from the life force. You could see that each was an island unto him – or herself. Each suffered from a lack of life force, as if they were being denied oxygen. Now (these were) some very conscious, aware people who would have worked upon themselves a great deal. Yet the separation was still so marked and so sad that it really shocked me.”
“Whatever judgments I’ve had in the past about people’s lack of honesty, or about their weakness and lack of follow-through, I saw in a different light. It’s not totally their fault. The external world of our lives is forcefully driven by the real person within, which is often so cut off and terrified that it can’t help itself. It acts according to impulse, as if programmed by the condition. (We all) seem like prisoners shuffling along, chained to a terrible circumstance.
Being trapped in the world of atoms and molecules and the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which requires everything to entropy and die, is so utterly terrifying and eerie. To make matters worse, the inner-self can’t defend itself against the personality and the intellect’s reaction to all that. The inner you just accepts the program given. It’s helpless.
I saw how the personality’s fear was real and justified. Why try to boost the personality to transcend the fear and be brave, when the inner self has been trussed up for years by terror and confusion? Bravery is fleeting; the inner impulse soon returns. If you have ever judged an alcoholic or a drug abuser or one that exhibits obsessive dysfunctional behavior, start to beg for forgiveness. In the light of the real self and the God force, your judgments will look pathetic. You’ll see how your judgment was forged out of your own illusion and separation, and how the rancor of it was sustained deep within you, fueled by the terror of your own collapse.”
“When you first have this realization, a great weight descends upon you. You may see that your whole life has been a terrible lie, a deception – one coated in righteousness and buried in denial – a position sustained for your own pleasure and sense of power. Because we are powerless to change our condition in the world of molecules and entropy, we victimize others with our power trips to gain a modicum of self-worth. It helps lessen the fear. The power trip only tends to accentuate the separation. If you don’t realize it in time, that path kills you. You die a slow death by an asphyxiation of spirit, which in turn cuts off the flow of vitality to your human cells. Then, they begin to entropy sooner than they should.
What was so embarrassing was that every emotion belonged to me. I couldn’t distance or repress any of them. And even though there would be a contradictory positive feeling in me somewhere, the negative one was so forceful and real. And worst of all, I saw that it was true. That’s not to say that our shadow-self is all our fault, for much of it is formed in the innocence of childhood.
To close the gap and make yourself spiritually whole, you have to own your shadow and embrace it, realizing that the negative force is inside you as a part of the positive force. Once you own the negative as part of the real you, you have understood something that most miss. To own it, you have to look at it, and you have to be willing to fix it. There is a positive side to the shadow that often expresses itself as creativity. That’s why so many creative geniuses have had such troubled lives. Both parts of their shadow are sharing the driving. First the creative impulse, then the destructive one, back and forth.”